Apartment

February 28, 2019

Me: The dead man’s apartment has a closet full of ducks.

Advertisements

Pound

February 27, 2019

Wife [to Seven-Year-Old]: I made you…

… a five-pound cake.

Head

February 26, 2019

Wife: This is for you to hold your head, because it looks too hot.

Uncles

February 25, 2019

Me: He’s my favorite of your uncles.
Wife: Joe just felt sad, and he doesn’t know why.

Visage

February 24, 2019

Friend: The fangs seem to lend a beauty to your new terrifying visage.

Burst

February 23, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: I love how I’m so small that my veins literally just start to burst.

Rocks

February 22, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Massaging rocks never works.

Fleshist

February 21, 2019

Wife: All skulls look the same to me.
Me: That’s fleshist.

Bias

February 20, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: How am I supposed to stay loyal to my bias if everyone is bias wrecking?

Layers

February 19, 2019

Me: Is the moon made of glass?
Seven-Year-Old: You said… yes, it is. It’s four layers of glass and can support an elephant.