Circus

Wife: That’s your excuse? “I didn’t know the circus was in town”?

Hammock

Wife: What’s with your underwear?
Me: I dunno. It’s kind of…
Wife: It’s like a banana hammock for a giant!

Bouquet

Me [reading]: “A bouquet of spices….” What the hell is that?

Housekeeping

Wife: Good Housekeeping was pretty violent twenty years ago!

Pus

Wife: The gravy looks like pus.

Fan

Wife: We need you to talk her down. She’s on the ceiling fan.

C’mere

Friend: That look—it’s like, “I’m going to stab you later, with the tweezers.”
Wife: C’mere, you elf.

Shank

Wife: It’s a little thing with a nice edge on it, if you need to open a box or something. You can shank an elf.

Hydrogen Bomb

Colleague:  This is proof of my theory, that whatever you search for on the Internet, you get boobs.  You can search for “Levar Burton hydrogen bomb,” and you get boobs.

List

Five-Year-Old: I can list all the bugs in my head.