April 30, 2013
Wife: That’s your excuse? “I didn’t know the circus was in town”?
April 29, 2013
Wife: What’s with your underwear?
Me: I dunno. It’s kind of…
Wife: It’s like a banana hammock for a giant!
April 28, 2013
Me [reading]: “A bouquet of spices….” What the hell is that?
April 27, 2013
Wife: Good Housekeeping was pretty violent twenty years ago!
April 25, 2013
Wife: We need you to talk her down. She’s on the ceiling fan.
April 24, 2013
Friend: That look—it’s like, “I’m going to stab you later, with the tweezers.”
Wife: C’mere, you elf.
April 23, 2013
Wife: It’s a little thing with a nice edge on it, if you need to open a box or something. You can shank an elf.
April 22, 2013
Colleague: This is proof of my theory, that whatever you search for on the Internet, you get boobs. You can search for “Levar Burton hydrogen bomb,” and you get boobs.
April 21, 2013
Five-Year-Old: I can list all the bugs in my head.