April 30, 2013

Wife: That’s your excuse? “I didn’t know the circus was in town”?


April 29, 2013

Wife: What’s with your underwear?
Me: I dunno. It’s kind of…
Wife: It’s like a banana hammock for a giant!


April 28, 2013

Me [reading]: “A bouquet of spices….” What the hell is that?


April 27, 2013

Wife: Good Housekeeping was pretty violent twenty years ago!


April 26, 2013

Wife: The gravy looks like pus.


April 25, 2013

Wife: We need you to talk her down. She’s on the ceiling fan.


April 24, 2013

Friend: That look—it’s like, “I’m going to stab you later, with the tweezers.”
Wife: C’mere, you elf.


April 23, 2013

Wife: It’s a little thing with a nice edge on it, if you need to open a box or something. You can shank an elf.

Hydrogen Bomb

April 22, 2013

Colleague: This is proof of my theory, that whatever you search for on the Internet, you get boobs. You can search for “Levar Burton hydrogen bomb,” and you get boobs.


April 21, 2013

Five-Year-Old: I can list all the bugs in my head.