Circus

April 30, 2013

Wife: That’s your excuse? “I didn’t know the circus was in town”?

Hammock

April 29, 2013

Wife: What’s with your underwear?
Me: I dunno. It’s kind of…
Wife: It’s like a banana hammock for a giant!

Bouquet

April 28, 2013

Me [reading]: “A bouquet of spices….” What the hell is that?

Housekeeping

April 27, 2013

Wife: Good Housekeeping was pretty violent twenty years ago!

Pus

April 26, 2013

Wife: The gravy looks like pus.

Fan

April 25, 2013

Wife: We need you to talk her down. She’s on the ceiling fan.

C’mere

April 24, 2013

Friend: That look—it’s like, “I’m going to stab you later, with the tweezers.”
Wife: C’mere, you elf.

Shank

April 23, 2013

Wife: It’s a little thing with a nice edge on it, if you need to open a box or something. You can shank an elf.

Hydrogen Bomb

April 22, 2013

Colleague: This is proof of my theory, that whatever you search for on the Internet, you get boobs. You can search for “Levar Burton hydrogen bomb,” and you get boobs.

List

April 21, 2013

Five-Year-Old: I can list all the bugs in my head.