November 30, 2014

Wife: Somebody sent out a forest-wide e-mail.


November 29, 2014

Wife: That’s not salty. That’s pungent.
Me: Piquant?
Wife: No it’s got more of a funk.
Me: “Funkquant”?


November 28, 2014

Me: How many people are there left alive now who will get a Cell Block Sisters reference?


November 27, 2014

Ten-Year-Old’s Friend: I’m going barefoot! Barefoot! Commando a foot.


November 25, 2014

Wife: Will you quit moving around?
Me: Do you want more blankets?
Wife: You’re like the concierge from hell.


November 24, 2014

Me: Were pineapple titbits smaller back when?
Wife: Please stop saying that.
Me: “Titbit” is actually older.
Wife: You’re saying that on purpose, just so you can say “tit.”
Me: I can say “tit” any time I want. It’s too bad we don’t have birds called “tits” in America.
Wife: So you can’t say it whenever you want.


November 23, 2014

Wife: I’m trying to have a conversation with you about your schedule tonight, and you’re stabbing me in the face with fake devil horns.


November 22, 2014

Me: I once co-wrote and starred in a film called “Dark Lord Goes Hitchhiking.” Make of that what you will.


November 21, 2014

Me: I would suggest either fruited ham balls or chicken fantasia.


November 20, 2014

Wife: Most of my objections to foods have nothing to do with Joe Don Baker, if any.