March 7, 2017
Wife: That wasn’t very polite.
Nine-Year-Old: Dad was being an idiot.
Wife: He was telling a joke. Would you like it if you were telling a joke, and somebody heard what you said and called you an idiot?
Nine-Year-Old: Should I have called him “stupid” instead?
February 25, 2017
Wife [to Nine-Year-Old]: Go get a hairbrush out of my bathroom, so we can fix your hair. It looks like a cat slept in it.
Me: A cat did sleep in my hair.
Wife: That doesn’t explain your face.
February 23, 2017
Wife: I wouldn’t be surprised if you get fired as her dad.
Me: Can she do that?
Twelve-Year-Old: We can just hire Hobo Dad again for a while, until we find a permanent replacement.
Wife: Are you kidding? Do you know how annoying Hobo Dad was to deal with? He’s like this guy, but with scabies.
Me: That’s right. I do not have scabies… at the present.
Wife: Yes, no scabies at the present.
February 13, 2017
Wife: The son of the fuck is this?
February 5, 2017
Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.
January 30, 2017
January 17, 2017
Me: Can you get some clothes on?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. Also, [Nine-Year-Old] sprayed my pajamas with water.
Happy Birthday, Five-Year-Old!
December 19, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Okay, [Twelve-Year-Old] gets the chocolate deluxe. Dad gets the chicken corn eggs.
December 16, 2016
December 15, 2016
Me: Can we send my mother a card that says, “You’re vulgar, rancid, and putrid”?