Understand

July 19, 2017

Me: Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Do you?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. You know I always understand.

Pukey

July 16, 2017

Me: How’s everyone doing?
Thirteen-Year-Old [pointing]: Pukey… licey… Mom.

Shade

June 22, 2017

Wife: I think that’s the first time you’ve cast some authentic teenage shade on me.

Sects

June 15, 2017

Wife: Jesus! Why are you, like, spitting sects at me?

Does

June 14, 2017

Wife: Your hair looks good.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t lie.
Wife: From, like, here down, it does.

Cats

June 13, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Maybe’s there’s a giant cat sitting on them.
Ten-Year-Old: Giant cats don’t sit on people.

Happy birthday, my ten-year-old cat lover.

Zapato

June 11, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Do you want it in Spanish?
Wife: [Nine-Year-Old], it’s his.
Nine-Year-Old: It’s just weird, though.
Electronic Toy Keyboard: Zapato.
Five-Year-Old: “Shoes”? “Z” starts with “shoes”?

So-And-So

June 10, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: “You should blog: Me and daughter agreed that so-and-so is ‘fake news.'”

Privileges

June 6, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want bigger privileges before bedtime.

Brush

June 4, 2017

Me: I thought you were going to brush your teeth.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I was, but then you were being weird.

Okay, that was me, but still.