December 14, 2018

Student on Her Phone: Motherrrrrr… why are you being sketchy?


Giant Taco

December 1, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The giant taco on top of me is going to explode, and then we’ll fly to Chicago.


November 8, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], what are you doing?
Six-Year-Old: Nothing.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I doubt it.
Me: Come back here if you’re not doing anything.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Press “F” to doubt.


October 23, 2018

Me: I just got my dog’s ashes back from the crematory, and they came in a velvet bag that said, “Until we meet again at the rainbow bridge,” on it. What are they, Norse pantheon?


October 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Humans are just bland monkeys.
Me: That’s sort of true, actually.


October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.


September 27, 2018

Wife: Stop fondling me with your toes. It was okay until you said, “Hey, baby.”


September 25, 2018

Me: Oh, I think there’s something you’ll like, [Six-Year-Old]. [Aunt], show him the pickled herring salad.


September 22, 2018

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.


September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.