Crank

May 14, 2020

Me: I crank up the volume on the avant garde music while I’m talking to my cousin on the phone, and he doesn’t even notice.

Obvious

April 7, 2020

Me: It’s hard to like your rabbi, when the first thing she said to you was an obvious lie.

Conspiracy

March 31, 2020

Twelve-Year-Old: Let’s have a conspiracy.

Two

March 21, 2020

Eight-Year-Old: I just made two things for your blog!

Ampersand

March 10, 2020

Me: You know there’s not an ampersand in his name!

Last

March 2, 2020

Me: Can I have another hug?
Fifteen-Year-Old: Sure, always.
Me: I was talking too much during the last one.

Meat

February 18, 2020

Wife: Why have you carried raw meat into my bedroom?

Circular

February 3, 2020

Me: There was another piece of junk mail that fell out during [Eight-Year-Old]’s fracas with the circular.

Giggling

January 29, 2020

Wife: Stop giggling at your penis!

Three

January 27, 2020

Me: What’s the matter? Is there something wrong?
Fifteen-Year-Old: Three days!
Me: “Three days,” what? “Three days,” what?
Fifteen-Year-Old: Just be quiet.