All His

June 16, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Dad said, “No.” That means it’s all his fart.



May 30, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s proven that kids sleep better with the smell of their parents.
Wife: Can’t I just fart in your bed?


May 24, 2018

Me: There’s something unsettling about seeing a nine-months-pregnant woman filling her shopping cart with wine.

Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.


May 10, 2018

Wife: I’m going out to the van to get her allergy medicine.



May 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Maybe I can see the memories of my ancestors.
Wife: In your Play-Doh?


May 4, 2018

Six-Year-Old: This whipped cream looks like it has eyes.

Go on

April 21, 2018

Wife: Go on, baby. Go be weird in the shower.

Big Hug

March 18, 2018

Me: If you’re eating pizza, do you really want a smoothie?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yeah. I’ll give you a big hug and then not talk to you.

I love you so much, Fourteen-Year-Old!


February 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He gave me a genetic nose popping thingy! Mom!