Bland

October 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Humans are just bland monkeys.
Me: That’s sort of true, actually.

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Uncle

October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.

Fondling

September 27, 2018

Wife: Stop fondling me with your toes. It was okay until you said, “Hey, baby.”

Herring

September 25, 2018

Me: Oh, I think there’s something you’ll like, [Six-Year-Old]. [Aunt], show him the pickled herring salad.

Arguing

September 22, 2018

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.

Zone

September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.

Taught

August 12, 2018

Colleague: My father never taught me how to drink. He taught me how to get drunk.

Practices

July 31, 2018

Colleague: I was taught to drink liquor by my parents, when I was fifteen. I didn’t like most of their educational practices, but I appreciated that.

Pretending

July 19, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], stop doing that.
Six-Year-Old: I’m pretending to eat him, like a gelatinous cube.

Tattling

June 30, 2018

Me: You did not get a lollipop for inaccurately tattling on your brother.