August 31, 2019

Friend: I was ordered by my child not to use emojis.



July 19, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Dummy!
Twelve-Year-Old: Call me a “dummy” again, and I’ll throw you into shark-infested waters!
Seven-Year-Old: Dummy!


July 18, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Dad, [Twelve-Year-Old]’s calling me “milk rock”!


July 15, 2019

Me: In my dream, you were supposed to be at school, but I found you at a drugstore instead. You wouldn’t tell me why you were there, and you lost electronics time for eight days for repeatedly lying about it. When I was taking you back to school, you didn’t want to go, so you laid down in the street and almost got hit by a car. And you lied that you were friends with the FBI director, but you didn’t know his name.


May 28, 2019

Student: The last Punjabi who texted me, my mom had a very interesting night.


April 14, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t tell me what I saw in a deep, foul abyss.


March 8, 2019

Friend: That sounds kind of like somebody cut up Grandma into little bits.


February 27, 2019

Wife [to Seven-Year-Old]: I made you…

… a five-pound cake.


February 25, 2019

Me: He’s my favorite of your uncles.
Wife: Joe just felt sad, and he doesn’t know why.

You Can

January 24, 2019

Wife: [Six-Year-Old], can you not? Okay, now you can.