Barf

May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!

Greasy

May 22, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Hug attack!
Wife: Look out. I’m greasy!

Sniping

April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.

Celebrate

April 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I hate the times you don’t celebrate Christmas!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, ho, ho. Not having this conversation at this time.

Nutcracker

April 12, 2017

Wife: Nobody is getting pimp slapped at The Nutcracker!

Driver

April 10, 2017

Me: You should not pimp slap the driver.

Hoarder

April 8, 2017

Wife: Great, my Jewish son is a Christmas ornament hoarder!

And

March 30, 2017

Friend’s Husband: That’s probably what killed my dad.
Me: Cheese?
Friend’s Husband: Yep, cheese and smoking cigarettes.

Instead

March 7, 2017

Wife: That wasn’t very polite.
Nine-Year-Old: Dad was being an idiot.
Wife: He was telling a joke. Would you like it if you were telling a joke, and somebody heard what you said and called you an idiot?
Nine-Year-Old: Should I have called him “stupid” instead?

Explain

February 25, 2017

Wife [to Nine-Year-Old]: Go get a hairbrush out of my bathroom, so we can fix your hair. It looks like a cat slept in it.
Me: A cat did sleep in my hair.
Wife: That doesn’t explain your face.