August 12, 2018

Colleague: My father never taught me how to drink. He taught me how to get drunk.



July 31, 2018

Colleague: I was taught to drink liquor by my parents, when I was fifteen. I didn’t like most of their educational practices, but I appreciated that.


July 19, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], stop doing that.
Six-Year-Old: I’m pretending to eat him, like a gelatinous cube.


June 30, 2018

Me: You did not get a lollipop for inaccurately tattling on your brother.


June 28, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Don’t shoot me in the back of the head while I’m reading!

All His

June 16, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Dad said, “No.” That means it’s all his fart.


May 30, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s proven that kids sleep better with the smell of their parents.
Wife: Can’t I just fart in your bed?


May 24, 2018

Me: There’s something unsettling about seeing a nine-months-pregnant woman filling her shopping cart with wine.

Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.


May 10, 2018

Wife: I’m going out to the van to get her allergy medicine.