Five-Year-Old: Stop taking it away when I call it “beer,” or you’re going to get a heart attack!

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Question

August 10, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Whaaaaa!
Me: Are you alright?
Ten-Year-Old: I said, “Whasaaa!”
Me: That doesn’t answer my question.

Scarecrows

July 29, 2017

Me: I have a wife who poops scarecrows.

Letter

July 25, 2017

Me: I just bought a twelve pack of unlubricated French letters for my daughter.

Replaced

July 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I see you replaced my sister with a dress.

Understand

July 19, 2017

Me: Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Do you?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. You know I always understand.

Pukey

July 16, 2017

Me: How’s everyone doing?
Thirteen-Year-Old [pointing]: Pukey… licey… Mom.

Shade

June 22, 2017

Wife: I think that’s the first time you’ve cast some authentic teenage shade on me.

Sects

June 15, 2017

Wife: Jesus! Why are you, like, spitting sects at me?

Does

June 14, 2017

Wife: Your hair looks good.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t lie.
Wife: From, like, here down, it does.