Texted

May 28, 2019

Student: The last Punjabi who texted me, my mom had a very interesting night.

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Foul

April 14, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t tell me what I saw in a deep, foul abyss.

Bits

March 8, 2019

Friend: That sounds kind of like somebody cut up Grandma into little bits.

Pound

February 27, 2019

Wife [to Seven-Year-Old]: I made you…

… a five-pound cake.

Uncles

February 25, 2019

Me: He’s my favorite of your uncles.
Wife: Joe just felt sad, and he doesn’t know why.

You Can

January 24, 2019

Wife: [Six-Year-Old], can you not? Okay, now you can.

Picking

January 13, 2019

Six-Year-Old: What? You said [Friend] was picking me up!
Me: No, I said that was tomorrow.
Six-Year-Old: What?
Me: You heard what I said.

Outer

January 4, 2019

Me: It’s interesting how [Fourteen-Year-Old] has such an outer inner life.

Decade

December 30, 2018

Six-Year-Old: What if it takes a decade? In a decade, I’ll be sixteen!

Odd

December 25, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Are we going to celebrate Christmas, like odd Jews?