You Can

January 24, 2019

Wife: [Six-Year-Old], can you not? Okay, now you can.

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Picking

January 13, 2019

Six-Year-Old: What? You said [Friend] was picking me up!
Me: No, I said that was tomorrow.
Six-Year-Old: What?
Me: You heard what I said.

Outer

January 4, 2019

Me: It’s interesting how [Fourteen-Year-Old] has such an outer inner life.

Decade

December 30, 2018

Six-Year-Old: What if it takes a decade? In a decade, I’ll be sixteen!

Odd

December 25, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Are we going to celebrate Christmas, like odd Jews?

Three

December 20, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Three players, three players!

Oh, three players sucks!

Sketchy

December 14, 2018

Student on Her Phone: Motherrrrrr… why are you being sketchy?

Giant Taco

December 1, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The giant taco on top of me is going to explode, and then we’ll fly to Chicago.

Doubt

November 8, 2018

Me: [Six-Year-Old], what are you doing?
Six-Year-Old: Nothing.
Fourteen-Year-Old: I doubt it.
Me: Come back here if you’re not doing anything.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Press “F” to doubt.

Pantheon

October 23, 2018

Me: I just got my dog’s ashes back from the crematory, and they came in a velvet bag that said, “Until we meet again at the rainbow bridge,” on it. What are they, Norse pantheon?