February 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He gave me a genetic nose popping thingy! Mom!



February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.


January 24, 2018

Me: You are arguing about who gets to hold the cheez-its box. It does. Not. Matter.
Ten-Year-Old: If you’re going to be like that, give them to me.


January 14, 2018

Me: Don’t mention “boner pills” around [Thirteen-Year-Old].


November 11, 2017

Me: I’m sorry I ruined your deep and meaningful K-pop music with a counterpoint of the chicken dance.


November 6, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s not me. If your face hurts, that’s a problem.


October 24, 2017

Me: He’s in a bad mood, because he got in trouble for making a mess with his taco.


October 17, 2017

Brother: It’s ugly, drawing up a budget and finding little sloppy inconsistencies that exist because, for so long, the truth hasn’t mattered, nor even been desired; rather, it’s been consistently and firmly rejected in favor of an arbitrary lie convenient to another person who holds great power over you… and will continue to do so in perpetuity if she gets her way.

Five-Year-Old: Stop taking it away when I call it “beer,” or you’re going to get a heart attack!


August 10, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Whaaaaa!
Me: Are you alright?
Ten-Year-Old: I said, “Whasaaa!”
Me: That doesn’t answer my question.