February 13, 2017
Wife: The son of the fuck is this?
February 5, 2017
Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.
January 30, 2017
January 17, 2017
Me: Can you get some clothes on?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. Also, [Nine-Year-Old] sprayed my pajamas with water.
Happy Birthday, Five-Year-Old!
December 19, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Okay, [Twelve-Year-Old] gets the chocolate deluxe. Dad gets the chicken corn eggs.
December 16, 2016
December 15, 2016
Me: Can we send my mother a card that says, “You’re vulgar, rancid, and putrid”?
December 9, 2016
Wife: I planted a GPS tracking chip in your nose.
Me: That’s an unconventional place for it.
Nine-Year-Old: It’d sneeze it out.
Wife: That’s why most people don’t put it there.
December 8, 2016
Wife: You could be more sensitive, instead of saying, “I shave my face every day, bitches! What’s up?”
December 7, 2016
Wife: I’ve shaved so many parts of your body over the years, I don’t even want to think about it.