November 11, 2017

Me: I’m sorry I ruined your deep and meaningful K-pop music with a counterpoint of the chicken dance.



November 6, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s not me. If your face hurts, that’s a problem.


October 24, 2017

Me: He’s in a bad mood, because he got in trouble for making a mess with his taco.


October 17, 2017

Brother: It’s ugly, drawing up a budget and finding little sloppy inconsistencies that exist because, for so long, the truth hasn’t mattered, nor even been desired; rather, it’s been consistently and firmly rejected in favor of an arbitrary lie convenient to another person who holds great power over you… and will continue to do so in perpetuity if she gets her way.

Five-Year-Old: Stop taking it away when I call it “beer,” or you’re going to get a heart attack!


August 10, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Whaaaaa!
Me: Are you alright?
Ten-Year-Old: I said, “Whasaaa!”
Me: That doesn’t answer my question.


July 29, 2017

Me: I have a wife who poops scarecrows.


July 25, 2017

Me: I just bought a twelve pack of unlubricated French letters for my daughter.


July 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I see you replaced my sister with a dress.


July 19, 2017

Me: Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Do you?
Five-Year-Old: Yes. You know I always understand.