February 17, 2017
Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.
February 11, 2017
Wife: There’s something on your face.
Oh, it’s just water.
It looked like weird cheese.
February 6, 2017
Wife: That sound should never come out of anybody’s butt.
February 4, 2017
Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?
February 1, 2017
Student: At least my armpits don’t hurt any more.
January 31, 2017
Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!
January 24, 2017
Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.
January 23, 2017
Wife: If you ever feel a cool, gelatinous liquid on your face at night, pay no attention.
January 18, 2017
Twelve-Year-Old: I am so into hairlines right now, it’s crazy.
January 16, 2017
Wife: There’s only so much genitals one can handle.
No, no, no.