March 23, 2017
Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?
Forty, over the hill!
March 21, 2017
Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.
March 17, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!
March 14, 2017
Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”
It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.
March 13, 2017
Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!
March 12, 2017
Wife: So how many people do you think just have contact lenses floating around inside their skulls?
March 9, 2017
Wife: Ice on the lines.
Wife: Ice on the lines–power outage.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Twelve-Year-Old: Ice on the toes–frostbite.
March 2, 2017
Different Colleague: I’m sorry. I can’t think. My bladder is full.
February 27, 2017
Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?
February 26, 2017
Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.