Barf

May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!

Greasy

May 22, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Hug attack!
Wife: Look out. I’m greasy!

Unintentional

May 16, 2017

Me: There was a the rare, unintentional, two-person armpit fart.

World

May 11, 2017

Wife: Welcome to the crazy world of your uterus.

Carrots

April 29, 2017

Me: There’s more to having rabbits than them just sitting around and being cute and eating carrots. They also poop.

Urgent

April 22, 2017

Wife: Hobos go to urgent care!

Crying

April 14, 2017

Five-Year-Old: The only thing to make me stop crying is to eat this.
Me: I think you’re mistaken. You’ve already stopped crying.
Five-Year-Old: You mean the eye sweat?

Constantly

April 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I love being constantly in motion!

Ass-Linting

April 6, 2017

Wife: Anything that is all linty and is like, “Pristine trees were cut down to make this ass-linting toilet paper,” I don’t like that—any of it.

Music

April 3, 2017

Me: What do you think of this music?
Wife: Well, it’s a piano… and somebody peeing next to the piano.