February 17, 2017

Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.


February 11, 2017

Wife: There’s something on your face.

Oh, it’s just water.

It looked like weird cheese.


February 6, 2017

Wife: That sound should never come out of anybody’s butt.


February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?

At Least

February 1, 2017

Student: At least my armpits don’t hurt any more.


January 31, 2017

Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!


January 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.


January 23, 2017

Wife: If you ever feel a cool, gelatinous liquid on your face at night, pay no attention.


January 18, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: I am so into hairlines right now, it’s crazy.


January 16, 2017

Wife: There’s only so much genitals one can handle.

No, no, no.