Hakuna

February 13, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: Hakuna your tatas.

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Disease

February 6, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I want a new disease.

Mermaid

January 21, 2019

Friend: A gnome zombie has just clawed your…
Me: … “mermaid parts”?

Brings Us

January 19, 2019

Friend: This brings us to Kush, with your new arm.
Me: Meet the new arm, same as the old arm.

Orifice

January 18, 2019

Friend: Back through the orifice door!

Six

January 16, 2019

Me: You’ve got a sphincter on your six.

Metaphorical

January 3, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: Chill your tits! Chill your metaphorical tits!

Marvin

January 1, 2019

Me: Nobody looks that much like Marvin Gaye by accident.

Rib Cage

December 23, 2018

Wife: Please don’t sit on his sword.
Eleven-Year-Old: I’m not.
Wife: Please don’t sit on any sword.
Six-Year-Old: He is lying on it with his rib cage!

Attack

December 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Why can I not have my heart attack?