March 23, 2017

Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?

Forty, over the hill!


March 21, 2017

Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.


March 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!


March 14, 2017

Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”

It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.


March 13, 2017

Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!


March 12, 2017

Wife: So how many people do you think just have contact lenses floating around inside their skulls?


March 9, 2017

Wife: Ice on the lines.
Me: Huh?
Wife: Ice on the lines–power outage.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Twelve-Year-Old: Ice on the toes–frostbite.


March 2, 2017

Different Colleague: I’m sorry. I can’t think. My bladder is full.

Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?


February 26, 2017

Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.