In There

February 20, 2018

Me: This is in there but good.
Wife: “Butt good”?

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Piercing

February 16, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Raw! Body piercing!

I hate my life.

Smacked

February 13, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Ow! I just smacked myself in the head with lettuce.

Hear My Butt

February 12, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You just punched me in the butt, [Ten-Year-Old].
Ten-Year-Old: No I didn’t!
Six-Year-Old: Then why did I hear my butt?

Shading

February 10, 2018

Me: Did you add extra shading to his nipple?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Only a little bit.

Genetic

February 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He gave me a genetic nose popping thingy! Mom!

Leaks

February 7, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He’s giving me forehead leaks!

Comfortable

February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.

Raped

January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.

Gesture

January 29, 2018

Me: I can’t gesture, because I’m invisible.