July 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old [drawing manga]: I need to have boobie lumps in the shirt. That sounded so wrong.


July 16, 2017

Me: How’s everyone doing?
Thirteen-Year-Old [pointing]: Pukey… licey… Mom.


July 15, 2017

Wife: What’s the matter with your pants?
Me: Oh, they’re unzipped, and they have a hole—a bunch of holes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I heard, “What’s the matter with your penis?”


July 14, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: He doesn’t even have a butt. It’s all pancake-y.
Wife: You are not supposed to like your dad’s butt.


July 12, 2017

Wife: Don’t look at me like, “What?” You made your grapefruit make a diarrhea noise.


July 2, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I sound like Smeagol going through puberty.


June 30, 2017

Wife: I’m going to stab myself in the neck so much.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Please don’t.
Wife: Why, because I would bleed on your mango?


June 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: There’s no such thing as farting pants.
Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: What are they? Pants that make you fart all the time?
Five-Year-Old: Yes.
Ten-Year-Old: That’s bold and original thinking.


June 14, 2017

Wife: Your hair looks good.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Don’t lie.
Wife: From, like, here down, it does.


June 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, are you going to go poop, or what?
Seven o’clock!
Wife: Is that poop time?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, that’s unrelated, I promise.