September 16, 2017

Me: That mustard was so strong, it made the back of my head hurt.



September 12, 2017

Me: Do you have an appointment with the orthopedist?
Wife: I like how you pretend that you’re good at helping people manage their medical problems.
Me: I feel like it should be pronounced or-THOP-uh-dist.
Wife: There it is.


September 3, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I have a big eye.
Wife: It looks like you’re crying lemonade.


September 1, 2017

Wife: Do not injure yourself just because we’re in a hospital.


August 28, 2017

Wife: So people learned to speak from platelets.


August 26, 2017

Me: What does it say on your forehead?
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Date night.”


August 25, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: As I was saying, I don’t have a forehead.


August 18, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I did all the homework for today.
Me: Good.
Ten-Year-Old: Yay! Then I can do computer time and go, “Flop, flop, slap, slap, slap, slappity slap!”


August 15, 2017

Me: Now I know two secret handshakes.
Female Friend: What’s the other one?
Me: It doesn’t work on a girl. It ends with a nipple grab.


August 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Koreans look prettier than everybody. Dad, is this not fact: Koreans look prettier than everybody?
Me: It is not.
Thirteen-Year-Old: It is fact.