Tentacles

April 13, 2019

Friend: You’re down to one zombie.
Me: One zombie, six tentacles, and an eldritch abomination.

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Aligned

April 8, 2019

Teen: The stars aren’t aligned right today for my dick to look good.

Can you?

April 6, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Can you barf rainbows?

Cobra

April 4, 2019

Friend: One of them appears to be a cobra and has hood piercings.

Fractal

April 3, 2019

Friend: They dismiss it as from the giant worm asphyxiation a couple days ago.
Me: Giant fractal worm.

Shape

April 2, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: Do you ever just feel like a random shape?

Lumbago

March 17, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Bombur.
Seven-Year-Old: Is fat.
Eleven-Year-Old: He is not fat.
Me: He has lumbago.

Rainbows

March 15, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I had a cupcake yesterday.
Me: That’s great.
Eleven-Year-Old: I didn’t have any more. I practically puked rainbows.

Impetigous

March 14, 2019

Me: Let me see your impetigous finger.

Somehow appropriate for my brother’s birthday.

Mosquito

March 6, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: I found out why my butt was itching. I put my hand in my pants and found it. It felt like a little boob. It was a mosquito.