Pestilence

September 14, 2019

Friend [via text]: The guy next to me at the airport is talking really loudly about his rash over the phone. “Disgusting pestilence on back of thigh” is part of the description.

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Spit

September 11, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: I don’t believe I can hold a reasonable conversation. Number one, because I have to keep pausing to swallow my spit.

Glans

September 8, 2019

Me: It’s like a glans sitting on top of an octopus.

Acceptable

September 6, 2019

Me: That haircut is only acceptable if you are holding a hockey stick.

Zen

September 3, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: Hey Dad! Hey Dad!
Me: What?
Twelve-Year-Old: I won by drowning.
Me: How Zen.
Twelve-Year-Old: No, seriously, I’m dead.

Pickle

August 28, 2019

Wife: If you look up another kind of pickle, I will fucking kick you in the nuts.
Me: Blog…. Which is not a kind of pickle.

SCP

August 20, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: I can’t read with my eyes closed.
Seven-Year-Old: I can!
Twelve-Year-Old: He’s an SCP!

Pitched

August 19, 2019

Friend: That’s a movie I don’t know how it got made.
Me: I think it got pitched as: “Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.”

Abstract

August 18, 2019

Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.

Plug

August 16, 2019

Friend: That’s not anything even anyone who had never heard of one would ask.
Me: Not, “What is a butt plug?” but—
Friend and Me [in unison]: “Why is a butt plug?”