Exhibit

June 24, 2018

Friend: I saw the back of my head yesterday. There was an exhibit at the science museum.

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All His

June 16, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Dad said, “No.” That means it’s all his fart.

Ears

June 9, 2018

Me: He’s got meat in his ears.

Squirting

June 6, 2018

Six-Year-Old: How would penises attack? By squirting their pee?

Paraplegic

June 4, 2018

Wife: It’s within the week that you played paraplegic at the grocery store.

Under-Ripe

May 23, 2018

Me: I had fruit salad at lunch, which was mostly slightly under-ripe pineapple, and now my mouth feels funny.

Fingers

May 22, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Did I tell you about how I woke up the other morning with my fingers way up my nose?

Bits

May 21, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I can tell you, it’s very uncomfortable waking up with bits of paper in your clothes.

Allergy

May 10, 2018

Wife: I’m going out to the van to get her allergy medicine.

Blog.

Not Butterflies

May 9, 2018

Wife: You don’t know what penises look like, do you? Pro tip: not butterflies.