Chill

September 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s like, chill in the front, anxiety in the butt.

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Snorlax

September 28, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You’re an adult. You look more like Snorlax.

Fondling

September 27, 2018

Wife: Stop fondling me with your toes. It was okay until you said, “Hey, baby.”

In Here

September 20, 2018

Wife: Do you have to be in here when you go through your psychotic break?

Leap

September 19, 2018

Me: Does Jesus not have leap?

Color

September 18, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You look like somebody who’s trying to be emo, but you have too much color.

Zone

September 16, 2018

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.

Twinging

September 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: A separate light source is twinging me out.

Get Hurt

August 29, 2018

Wife: You lie! You lie!
Six-Year-Old: Mommy, did you get hurt?

Victory

August 28, 2018

Wife: Victory sneeze—that’s a thing.