September 14, 2019

Friend [via text]: The guy next to me at the airport is talking really loudly about his rash over the phone. “Disgusting pestilence on back of thigh” is part of the description.



September 11, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: I don’t believe I can hold a reasonable conversation. Number one, because I have to keep pausing to swallow my spit.


September 8, 2019

Me: It’s like a glans sitting on top of an octopus.


September 6, 2019

Me: That haircut is only acceptable if you are holding a hockey stick.


September 3, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: Hey Dad! Hey Dad!
Me: What?
Twelve-Year-Old: I won by drowning.
Me: How Zen.
Twelve-Year-Old: No, seriously, I’m dead.


August 28, 2019

Wife: If you look up another kind of pickle, I will fucking kick you in the nuts.
Me: Blog…. Which is not a kind of pickle.


August 20, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: I can’t read with my eyes closed.
Seven-Year-Old: I can!
Twelve-Year-Old: He’s an SCP!


August 19, 2019

Friend: That’s a movie I don’t know how it got made.
Me: I think it got pitched as: “Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.”


August 18, 2019

Me: Wasn’t that, like, in the abstract, the perfect movie for you?
Friend: Right, because it’s got Scarlett Johansson naked, and nobody talks.


August 16, 2019

Friend: That’s not anything even anyone who had never heard of one would ask.
Me: Not, “What is a butt plug?” but—
Friend and Me [in unison]: “Why is a butt plug?”