Some Reason

November 30, 2012

Eight-Year-Old: For some reason, the bathroom on that bus was kind of fun.


Cool Story

November 29, 2012

Me: Did I just, “Cool story, bro,” myself?


November 28, 2012

Wife: You have very strange jodhpurs-shaped thighs.


November 27, 2012

Wife: You have no sense of personal boundaries. You’re like, “The whole world is my shower, and I will sing in it!” You can’t sing in all those places.


November 26, 2012

Five-Year-Old [after attending a “sock hop” at school]: In the fifties, guys played guitar and didn’t dance. And I can play guitar and jump!


November 25, 2012

Wife: She was like, “You can trust me like you trust Jesus Christ as your lord and savior,” and I was like, “Oh, bitch, it’s on now!”


November 24, 2012

Wife: There is no massive douche market out there.


November 23, 2012

Wife: Do you think that everyone who has blue eyes is choking to death?

Burning Mayonnaise

November 22, 2012

Me: I wonder how much it would cost to heat a house by burning mayonnaise.


November 21, 2012

Five-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Five-Year-Old: You scared a pumpkin!