November 30, 2012
Eight-Year-Old: For some reason, the bathroom on that bus was kind of fun.
November 27, 2012
Wife: You have no sense of personal boundaries. You’re like, “The whole world is my shower, and I will sing in it!” You can’t sing in all those places.
November 26, 2012
Five-Year-Old [after attending a “sock hop” at school]: In the fifties, guys played guitar and didn’t dance. And I can play guitar and jump!
November 25, 2012
Wife: She was like, “You can trust me like you trust Jesus Christ as your lord and savior,” and I was like, “Oh, bitch, it’s on now!”
November 24, 2012
Wife: There is no massive douche market out there.
November 23, 2012
Wife: Do you think that everyone who has blue eyes is choking to death?
November 22, 2012
Me: I wonder how much it would cost to heat a house by burning mayonnaise.
November 21, 2012
Five-Year-Old: You scared a pumpkin!