Some Reason

Eight-Year-Old: For some reason, the bathroom on that bus was kind of fun.

Cool Story

Me: Did I just, “Cool story, bro,” myself?

Jodhpurs

Wife: You have very strange jodhpurs-shaped thighs.

Boundaries

Wife: You have no sense of personal boundaries. You’re like, “The whole world is my shower, and I will sing in it!” You can’t sing in all those places.

Fifties

Five-Year-Old [after attending a “sock hop” at school]: In the fifties, guys played guitar and didn’t dance. And I can play guitar and jump!

Savior

Wife: She was like, “You can trust me like you trust Jesus Christ as your lord and savior,” and I was like, “Oh, bitch, it’s on now!”

Douche

Wife: There is no massive douche market out there.

Choking

Wife: Do you think that everyone who has blue eyes is choking to death?

Burning Mayonnaise

Me: I wonder how much it would cost to heat a house by burning mayonnaise.

Scared

Five-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Five-Year-Old: You scared a pumpkin!