Roller
September 30, 2012
Friend: Stop throwing elbows! This isn’t roller derby!
Drink It
September 29, 2012
Wife: This is the last time I bring wine to Chik-fil-A.
Friend: You wouldn’t let us drink it. It would be better if we had.
In the Chicken
September 28, 2012
Me: Is the camera upstairs by the computer?
Wife: No, the camera’s in the chicken.
…
Kitchen.
Water Polo
September 27, 2012
Wife: So now you know. Mess O’Bradovich played water polo for Harvard.
Camp Bag
September 26, 2012
Five-Year-Old: My bag is ready! My bag is ready!
Me: What bag?
Five-Year-Old: My camp bag! My camp bag is ready!
Me: What did you do to get your bag ready?
Five-Year-Old: Nothing!
Pimple
September 25, 2012
Wife: The odds of [Five-Year-Old] having gotten a pimple during dinner are very low.
Animal Crackers
September 24, 2012
Friend: Are you putting honey mustard on your animal crackers?
Seat
September 23, 2012
Five-Year-Old: Daddy?
Me: What?
Five-Year-Old: I cut your seat in half!
Faked
September 22, 2012
Friend: Now he’s doing the space walk.
Me: Maybe Michael Jackson faked his own death, and he’s just been inside the Chick-fil-A cow costume.
Heifer
September 21, 2012
Friend: Fat, sasquatch, hatin’ heifer!