Roller

September 30, 2012

Friend: Stop throwing elbows! This isn’t roller derby!

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Drink It

September 29, 2012

Wife: This is the last time I bring wine to Chik-fil-A.
Friend: You wouldn’t let us drink it. It would be better if we had.

In the Chicken

September 28, 2012

Me: Is the camera upstairs by the computer?
Wife: No, the camera’s in the chicken.

Kitchen.

Water Polo

September 27, 2012

Wife: So now you know. Mess O’Bradovich played water polo for Harvard.

Camp Bag

September 26, 2012

Five-Year-Old: My bag is ready! My bag is ready!
Me: What bag?
Five-Year-Old: My camp bag! My camp bag is ready!
Me: What did you do to get your bag ready?
Five-Year-Old: Nothing!

Pimple

September 25, 2012

Wife: The odds of [Five-Year-Old] having gotten a pimple during dinner are very low.

Animal Crackers

September 24, 2012

Friend: Are you putting honey mustard on your animal crackers?

Seat

September 23, 2012

Five-Year-Old: Daddy?
Me: What?
Five-Year-Old: I cut your seat in half!

Faked

September 22, 2012

Friend: Now he’s doing the space walk.
Me: Maybe Michael Jackson faked his own death, and he’s just been inside the Chick-fil-A cow costume.

Heifer

September 21, 2012

Friend: Fat, sasquatch, hatin’ heifer!