Beating

Five-Year-Old [racing]: I’m beating you!
Three-Year-Old: No, you can’t beat people!

Liverwurst

Three-Year-Old: You have to go on the lever where it’s pointing.
Me: Did you say “liverwurst”?

Crunched

Three-Year-Old: I took some ice, and I crunched it, and I crunched it, and I crunched it.

Pour

Three-Year-Old: I want cheese!
Me: No.
Wife: Not until after you finish your beans and rice.
Me: After your beans.
Three-Year-Old: I’m going to pour it on Mommy’s face!
Wife: You’re going to what? OK, stand in the corner.

Poor

Three-Year-Old [holding out toy]: Can I give this to the poor children?
Wife: Oh, sweetie. Sweetie, you can give that to poor children.
Three-Year-Old: OK. I need to get my shoes on.
Wife: What?
Three-Year-Old: I need my shoes.
Wife: Are poor children right outside? Do you know where the poor children are?
Three-Year-Old: The kitty knows.

Motorboats

Wife: You need to learn to have more respect for people’s bodily autonomy, when it comes to motorboats.

Blood

Wife: Tell them what happened at the doctor’s.
Six-Year-Old: Did they take your blood?
Three-Year-Old: I don’t have blood!

Sister

Wife’s Friend: You write, “It’s not OK to marry your dead wife’s sister, even if she’s black and white.” You write that on your blog and see what you get!

Ninjas

Wife: How do you know that pink bunnies aren’t purple ninjas in disguise?
Wife’s Friend: Because I didn’t drink that much.

Match

Wife: That doesn’t match! What are you, Thomas the shark engine?