Beating

February 26, 2011

Five-Year-Old [racing]: I’m beating you!
Three-Year-Old: No, you can’t beat people!

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Liverwurst

February 25, 2011

Three-Year-Old: You have to go on the lever where it’s pointing.
Me: Did you say “liverwurst”?

Crunched

February 24, 2011

Three-Year-Old: I took some ice, and I crunched it, and I crunched it, and I crunched it.

Pour

February 23, 2011

Three-Year-Old: I want cheese!
Me: No.
Wife: Not until after you finish your beans and rice.
Me: After your beans.
Three-Year-Old: I’m going to pour it on Mommy’s face!
Wife: You’re going to what? OK, stand in the corner.

Poor

February 22, 2011

Three-Year-Old [holding out toy]: Can I give this to the poor children?
Wife: Oh, sweetie. Sweetie, you can give that to poor children.
Three-Year-Old: OK. I need to get my shoes on.
Wife: What?
Three-Year-Old: I need my shoes.
Wife: Are poor children right outside? Do you know where the poor children are?
Three-Year-Old: The kitty knows.

Motorboats

February 21, 2011

Wife: You need to learn to have more respect for people’s bodily autonomy, when it comes to motorboats.

Blood

February 20, 2011

Wife: Tell them what happened at the doctor’s.
Six-Year-Old: Did they take your blood?
Three-Year-Old: I don’t have blood!

Sister

February 19, 2011

Wife’s Friend: You write, “It’s not OK to marry your dead wife’s sister, even if she’s black and white.” You write that on your blog and see what you get!

Ninjas

February 18, 2011

Wife: How do you know that pink bunnies aren’t purple ninjas in disguise?
Wife’s Friend: Because I didn’t drink that much.

Match

February 17, 2011

Wife: That doesn’t match! What are you, Thomas the shark engine?