July 31, 2011

Me: You’re not going to play any more [LEGO Batman] until after we pick up Mommy.
Four-Year-Old [screaming]: Where is she then?!



July 30, 2011

My Mom: Does [Seven-Year-Old] read the Time Warp Trio?
Me: Uh, no.
My Mom: Well, aren’t those books she would like? You boys used to enjoy them. They travel in time and do mysteries.
Me: I’ve never heard of these books, Mom.
My Mom: Of course you have.
Me: I think you must be confused, Mom. I used to read The Three Investigators.
My Mom: Yeah, right.


July 29, 2011

Seven-Year-Old: Something smells weird outside.
Four-Year-Old: Funk! It smells funky!


July 28, 2011

Me: It’s not that hot today. It’s only ninety.
Wife: I won’t have that kind of talk in my car. Out! Out!


July 27, 2011

Wife: There’s a weird smell of chlorine and crackers in the car.


July 26, 2011

Seven-Year-Old: Music?
Four-Year-Old: Hey! I’m not yours, Pokemon!


July 25, 2011

Me: Is it wrong that when it turns out good, I kind of feel we failed?


July 24, 2011

Wife: Why did you get home so late?
Me: I got home a few minutes before two, which was, I admit, a little late. But I was just expecting to hop in the car—back in the car. Hop on the boat.
Wife: I took a shower because I got bored waiting.

Throw Up

July 23, 2011

Wife: I’m trying really hard not to throw up all over you right now.
Me: Wow. You really are mad.


July 22, 2011

Me: That hangman noose of Mardi Gras beads got me.