November 16, 2016
Me: I had a really bad dream last night. It was like Donald Trump was in The Silmarillion. Imagine if trump were leading the armies in the War of the Jewels, instead of the sons of Fëanor. “We’re going to build a wall around Angband! And who’s going to pay for that wall? Morgoth!”
August 31, 2016
Me: Is Anthony Wiener‘s misbehavior actually the most brilliant viral marketing campaign of all time?
April 9, 2016
Me: In all three cases, once I knew that there were two opposing factions, I knew immediately what the primary bone of contention was. To wit: relations with the mainland, how into it the wife is allowed to be while it’s happening, and whether soap is ever appropriate.
March 12, 2016
December 25, 2015
Cousin [reading]: “I want to make pants illegal.” I’m in that political party. I hate pants.
November 8, 2015
Me: Unfortunately, the ATM only dispenses Wal-Mart’s alternative currency.
October 22, 2015
Wife: Why isn’t there ever any Coast Guard surplus?
August 7, 2015
Me: That’s, like, public radio programming malpractice—only giving you a choice between the BBC and The World.