November 16, 2016

Me: I had a really bad dream last night. It was like Donald Trump was in The Silmarillion. Imagine if trump were leading the armies in the War of the Jewels, instead of the sons of FĂ«anor. “We’re going to build a wall around Angband! And who’s going to pay for that wall? Morgoth!”


November 8, 2016

Me: Cthulhu for President: A mountain walked or stumbled.


August 31, 2016

Me: Is Anthony Wiener‘s misbehavior actually the most brilliant viral marketing campaign of all time?


April 9, 2016

Me: In all three cases, once I knew that there were two opposing factions, I knew immediately what the primary bone of contention was. To wit: relations with the mainland, how into it the wife is allowed to be while it’s happening, and whether soap is ever appropriate.


March 12, 2016

Me: Has anyone every seen dead J. Edgar Hoover and Bill Gates in the same place?

Political Party

December 25, 2015

Cousin [reading]:I want to make pants illegal.” I’m in that political party. I hate pants.


November 8, 2015

Me: Unfortunately, the ATM only dispenses Wal-Mart’s alternative currency.


October 22, 2015

Wife: Why isn’t there ever any Coast Guard surplus?


August 7, 2015

Me: That’s, like, public radio programming malpractice—only giving you a choice between the BBC and The World.


July 19, 2015

Me [reading sign]:Open Door Christian Ministries.”
[pretending to still be reading] “Ensuring U.S. access to China since 1904. Reverend John Hay.”