October 27, 2019

Friend: You don’t follow Musk, and I don’t follow Napoleon’s movements.


September 9, 2019

Me: I was in bed, clapping for something that was happening in my dream; except in the dream it was happening at Harvard, and it really should have been Yale.


July 16, 2019

Friend: Those of you have lost the respect of the Sand People.


July 9, 2019

Me: Why is Order of the Arrow song sung to the tune of the Tsarist national anthem?


July 7, 2019

Me: Who did Paul Atreides defeat to become emperor of the universe again?
Father: Sting.


July 4, 2019

First Student: I’ll go to The Back Door and scope out if [Colleague] is there.
Second Student: Okay!
Me: Did she just salute you left handed? What does that mean?
Second Student: It’s the gay side.


July 1, 2019

Me: You are all religious fanatics, I presume?


May 6, 2019

Me: And that is why you should not walk around the house with no pants.
Wife: Because McCarthy might get her?!


October 7, 2018

Wife: Dude, if Hitler’s coming to a synagogue farmers’ market in 2018, WAKE THE FUCK UP, because that’s not real.


August 8, 2018

Graduate Student: What are country Romanians like? Like the Welsh?