Macaroni

October 31, 2010

Wife: You aren’t listening now. What did I ask you to do?
Six-Year-Old: Go to my room.
Wife: Yes, and that’s not your room. That’s a plate full of macaroni. Are you going to sleep in a bed of macaroni?

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Wonderland

October 30, 2010

Me: There’s something wonderful about driving home and explaining the jokes in Alice in Wonderland to a six-year-old.

Copy

October 29, 2010

Wife: I don’t have time to copy out the whole book to learn the material. I have, you know, other classes to work on. I have food to eat.

Googol

October 28, 2010

Six-Year-Old: Two million bazillion googol is what I got. What did you get?
Three-Year-Old: Three

Bites

October 27, 2010

Three-Year-Old: What’s that?
Me: It’s a picture of Vlad the Impaler.
Three-Year-Old: That bites?

Sequels

October 26, 2010

Me: While I was up, I was thinking of novels that shouldn’t have sequels.
Wife: Well, like what?
Me: Siddhartha 2: This time it’s personal.

Japanese

October 25, 2010

Wife [to Brother, who speaks Japanese]: What’s Japanese for Beaver?
Me: “Beaver-san.”

Buttocks

October 24, 2010

Me: Do you need to go potty?
Three-Year-Old: No.
Me: Are you sure?
Three-Year-Old: I go pee pee in my diaper.
Me: But you’re not wearing a diaper. Did you go…?
Wife: Is he?
Me: Yes, he went poopy in his underpants.
Three-Year-Old: I wanted it to be quick.
Me: But it won’t be quick, because now we have to go up and clean your buttocks off.
Three-Year-Old: Buttocks off! Buttocks off! Buttocks! Buttocks! Buttocks!
Wife: Great, now you’ve taught him a new word.

Creepy

October 23, 2010

Me: Alright kids—fascinating and creepy as that toy is, we’re here for something else.
Three-Year-Old: Garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage! That’s what it said.
Me: I know.
Three-Year-Old: It’s the garbage can truck.

Motorcycle

October 22, 2010

Me: That motorcycle sounded like a belch.