January 31, 2011

Me: I must be tired. I keep having these ideas like: What if we made polenta, but instead of cornmeal, we used powdered sugar?
Wife: Let’s not try that recipe tonight.



January 30, 2011

Me: How come, when you shouldn’t be, since you haven’t got your coat on, you’re so aggressively putting on your mittens yourself, but other times, your complain loudly that you can’t do it on your own?
Three-Year-Old: No!
Me: “No!” That’s all he as to say on the matter


January 29, 2011

Me: Oh, here’s this watch.
Wife: That one doesn’t fit.
Me: Yes, but it does have diamonds!

Hit Me

January 28, 2011

Me: If you’re going to start throwing things, you’re going to bed.
Three-Year-Old: No, you are!
Me: You have two options. You can either sit here and eat your dinner, or you can go to bed.

Do not hit me with the banana!


January 27, 2011

Wife: Can you heat this up for me?
Me: Do you want some beans and rice too?
Wife: Just feed me protein.

And beer.
Me: And beer?
Wife: Ah, beer.


January 26, 2011

Wife: Take your bracelet off the potato.
Me: Kiss the potato; all hail Krotus; and throw the potato into the river.
Six-Year-Old: [Kisses potato]
Wife: Stop kissing the potato!
Three-Year-Old: [Mimes throwing potato]
Wife: Stop throwing the potato!


January 24, 2011

Me: Just to be clear, am I being punished for cream drinking thoughtcrime?

Eat You

January 23, 2011

Six-Year-Old: Come on, egg! I love you and I want to eat you, so get up there!

Thank you, egg.


January 22, 2011

Wife: Why is there a uterus in the portal?
Me: It’s not. It’s the head of Akem the demon.
Wife: No, I think it’s a uterus.
Me: Well, it’s a uterus with an angry face.
Wife: Yeah, they all tend to have that.


January 21, 2011

Wife: What’s wrong with the toilet?
Me: Well, if people crapped in you all the time….
Wife: Right.
Me: It’s fed up with of being shat upon!