Polenta

Me: I must be tired. I keep having these ideas like: What if we made polenta, but instead of cornmeal, we used powdered sugar?
Wife: Let’s not try that recipe tonight.

Aggressively

Me: How come, when you shouldn’t be, since you haven’t got your coat on, you’re so aggressively putting on your mittens yourself, but other times, your complain loudly that you can’t do it on your own?
Three-Year-Old: No!
Me: “No!” That’s all he as to say on the matter

Diamonds

Me: Oh, here’s this watch.
Wife: That one doesn’t fit.
Me: Yes, but it does have diamonds!

Hit Me

Me: If you’re going to start throwing things, you’re going to bed.
Three-Year-Old: No, you are!
Me: You have two options. You can either sit here and eat your dinner, or you can go to bed.
…
Do not hit me with the banana!

Beer

Wife: Can you heat this up for me?
Me: Do you want some beans and rice too?
Wife: Just feed me protein.
…
And beer.
Me: And beer?
Wife: Ah, beer.

Krotus

Wife: Take your bracelet off the potato.
Me: Kiss the potato; all hail Krotus; and throw the potato into the river.
Six-Year-Old: [Kisses potato]
Wife: Stop kissing the potato!
Three-Year-Old: [Mimes throwing potato]
Wife: Stop throwing the potato!

Thoughtcrime

Me: Just to be clear, am I being punished for cream drinking thoughtcrime?

Eat You

Six-Year-Old: Come on, egg! I love you and I want to eat you, so get up there!
…
Thank you, egg.

Uterus

Wife: Why is there a uterus in the portal?
Me: It’s not. It’s the head of Akem the demon.
Wife: No, I think it’s a uterus.
Me: Well, it’s a uterus with an angry face.
Wife: Yeah, they all tend to have that.

Shat

Wife: What’s wrong with the toilet?
Me: Well, if people crapped in you all the time….
Wife: Right.
Me: It’s fed up with of being shat upon!