January 31, 2011
Me: I must be tired. I keep having these ideas like: What if we made polenta, but instead of cornmeal, we used powdered sugar?
Wife: Let’s not try that recipe tonight.
January 30, 2011
Me: How come, when you shouldn’t be, since you haven’t got your coat on, you’re so aggressively putting on your mittens yourself, but other times, your complain loudly that you can’t do it on your own?
Me: “No!” That’s all he as to say on the matter
January 29, 2011
Me: Oh, here’s this watch.
Wife: That one doesn’t fit.
Me: Yes, but it does have diamonds!
January 28, 2011
Me: If you’re going to start throwing things, you’re going to bed.
Three-Year-Old: No, you are!
Me: You have two options. You can either sit here and eat your dinner, or you can go to bed.
Do not hit me with the banana!
January 27, 2011
Wife: Can you heat this up for me?
Me: Do you want some beans and rice too?
Wife: Just feed me protein.
Me: And beer?
Wife: Ah, beer.
January 26, 2011
January 24, 2011
Me: Just to be clear, am I being punished for cream drinking thoughtcrime?
January 23, 2011
Six-Year-Old: Come on, egg! I love you and I want to eat you, so get up there!
Thank you, egg.
January 22, 2011
January 21, 2011
Wife: What’s wrong with the toilet?
Me: Well, if people crapped in you all the time….
Me: It’s fed up with of being shat upon!