Immature

August 31, 2015

Wife: What does Mop do?
Eight-Year-Old: He bites immature people!

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Klingons

August 30, 2015

Me: Klingons do not hide in the refrigerator!

Parasite

August 29, 2015

Me: I think that’s an accent, but it might be some kind of parasite attached to my voice.

Lark

August 28, 2015

Captain Kirk [on television]: Lock him up.
Me [as junior officer]: “Lark him up,” sir?
Wife [as Kirk]: You heard me: Morris dancing.

Right

August 27, 2015

Wife: I’m very angry.
Me: You have every right to be.
Eight-Year-Old: You don’t have every right.

Technician

August 26, 2015

Wife: Watch them try to charge me for that technician visit. I will set fire to them.
Eight-Year-Old: To their hair?
Wife: To their hair. With my mind.

Salt

August 25, 2015

Me: When I’m lying on the floor, it’s good to have someone to bring me salt.

Statement

August 24, 2015

Three-Year-Old: Do you want to play the question game?
Wife: How do you play the question game?
Three-Year-Old: Statement!
Wife: That’s not a statement.
Three-Year-Old: Statement!

Market

August 23, 2015

Me: Does it make you uncomfortable when I say, “I want to put it all on the market,” as I stroke your hip?

Coconut Bra

August 22, 2015

Me: Is that a coconut bra on its head?