Hat

February 28, 2010

[Purim 5767]
Wife: This is a hamantaschen. That means, “Haman’s hat.”
Two-Year-Old: Ha ha, I ate your hat!

Advertisements

Smart Phone

February 27, 2010

Wife: Can I have my phone charger?
Me: It’s right over there.
Wife: Thank-you.
Five-Year-Old: Go, go, smart phone! Go, go, smart phone!

Fast

February 26, 2010

Five-Year-Old: What’s a fast?
Me: When you don’t eat.
Wife: You don’t eat from dawn to sunset.
Five-Year-Old: Oh yeah.
Me: We got up before dawn to have breakfast.
Five-Year-Old: You mean so nobody would see you?

Because

February 25, 2010

Two-Year-Old: I’m tired.
Wife: That’s because you’re rubbing soap in your eyes.

Coat

February 24, 2010

Two-Year-Old: I don’t want this coat on!
Me: Here’s your other coat.
Two-Year-Old: I don’t want my sweater. I want my coat.
Me: You just took it off, and anyway, this isn’t a sweater.
Two-Year-Old: It’s a sweater!
Me: It’s not a sweater.
Two-Year-Old: I want my gloves on!

Blintz-Eating

February 23, 2010

Me: He is a blintz-eating machine.
Wife: Why would anyone make that?

Oil

February 22, 2010

Five-Year-Old: I have the teaspoon. What’s it for?
Me: The oil.
Five-Year-Old: Oil?
Two-Year-Old: I want my oil!

Fetish

February 21, 2010

Wife: Daddy’s weird about my hair. That’s why I cut it.
Me: I thought you said that was why usually didn’t cut your hair?
Wife: I changed my mind. I’m not enabling you any more.
Me: If I can’t have a hair fetish, I’ll have to develop something else.
Wife: Is that a threat?
Me: Pretty much.

Upside Down

February 20, 2010

Wife: What are you doing?
Two-Year-Old: Trying to hug you, …
Wife: Like that?
Two-Year-Old: … but upside down.

Vaseline

February 19, 2010

Wife: He’s now officially weirder than his sister.
Me: This is kind of like the time she drew all over herself and the walls.
Wife: No, she never did anything like this. You come up the stairs, and you hear a little voice that says, “I’m tired.” You look down, and there’s a little boy, naked, sitting in a bag, covered in Vaseline.