Dispenser

November 30, 2018

Me: This men’s room has the worst toilet paper dispenser in the western world.

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Meanie

November 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t think even a stronger angel could kill him. Meanie!

Desensitized

November 28, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Have I been desensitized? Man, that’s sad.

Out of the Bag

November 27, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The cat’s out of the bag, but the dog is in the car.

Rivers

November 26, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Rivers of hair.

Crying

November 25, 2018

Wife: I think maybe you should just leave the crying wizard where you are.
Six-Year-Old: I’m not even a wizard any more!

Much, Much More

November 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I lost my magic, I am so poor, and much, much more!

Hiding

November 23, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I forgot where I was! I thought I was hiding inside [Eleven-Year-Old]!

Pillows

November 22, 2018

Wife: Most people don’t deny there’s Cthulhu in their pillows.

Dapper

November 21, 2018

Me: One of them is a mess, and one of them is a dapper mess.