Dispenser

Me: This men’s room has the worst toilet paper dispenser in the western world.

Meanie

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t think even a stronger angel could kill him. Meanie!

Desensitized

Fourteen-Year-Old: Have I been desensitized? Man, that’s sad.

Out of the Bag

Six-Year-Old:  The cat’s out of the bag, but the dog is in the car.

Rivers

Fourteen-Year-Old: Rivers of hair.

Crying

Wife: I think maybe you should just leave the crying wizard where you are.
Six-Year-Old: I’m not even a wizard any more!

Much, Much More

Six-Year-Old:  I lost my magic, I am so poor, and much, much more!

Hiding

Six-Year-Old: I forgot where I was! I thought I was hiding inside [Eleven-Year-Old]!

Pillows

Wife: Most people don’t deny there’s Cthulhu in their pillows.

Dapper

Me: One of them is a mess, and one of them is a dapper mess.