September 27, 2010
September 22, 2010
September 21, 2010
Me: I think it’s time to add the… garlic.
I was looking for the word “garlic,” and do you know what came into my head?
Me: “Johnson sub-machine gun,” which isn’t even right. It’s not a “Johnny gun.”
Wife: I don’t think it’s a traditional Italian spice, either.
September 20, 2010
Wife [after standing a stick of butter up in a saucepan]: The leaning tower of lipids.
September 19, 2010
Three-Year-Old [playing with rubber ducks in the bath]: Don’t wash the ducks. They don’t have arms.
September 16, 2010
Six-Year-Old: Every day at school, we play zombies versus Romans. The good guys are Roman fruit bats made of metal, but they can still move.
September 15, 2010
Me: You need a Band-Aid. You’re bleeding.
Three-Year-Old: I’m not bleeding.
Me: Look at your knee. Where did that blood come from?
Three-Year-Old: It came from the parking lot.
September 12, 2010
Me: What’s that old-fashioned gas pump doing in front of Leevey’s Funeral Home?
Wife: What are you talking about?
Me: “Gas up your dead guy.” [to the tune of “Brush Up Your Shakespeare”]
There’s an old-style gas pump in front of Leevey’s Funeral Home.
Wife: What does, “Gas up your dead guy,” even mean?
Me: Oh, wait. Maybe it’s not actually a gas pump. Maybe it’s a pump for embalming fluid.
Wife: Do you really think they take the dead guy out front and pump him full of embalming fluid? Because that seems unlikely, to me.
September 11, 2010
Wife: What was that about the iced coffee?
Me: It’s just that every other time we’ve been in there you’ve ordered some.
Wife: And how many times is that?
Me: I think it’s, like, three.
Wife: It’s more like two.
Me: It could be two.
Wife: That’s not a pattern. It’s a line. You can’t extrapolate three points from two.
Me: Yes you can. The expected error is just infinite.
You can draw the linear extrapolation, but you just can’t expect the error to be finite.
Wife: Want to say it again a different way?
Me: Ooga, ooga, burfully burf, caima-ooo, pop pop.
Was that different enough?
September 10, 2010
Six-Year-Old: A person trapped in a windmill?
Wife: No, what?
Six-Year-Old: On your computer.