Opposed

Colleague:  There’s something wrong with today.  It’s only 16:15, and I’m working on things that I merely should do soon, as opposed to things I should have done yesterday.

Homemade

Me:  I can go quite a long ways on one homemade raisin cookie.

Manuals

Me:  Why are the LEGO manuals scratching at my hardwood floor?

Investment

Friend:  It’s hilarious that people keep using the word “investment” to describe crypto purchases.  Do the same people “invest” in throws of knucklebones in back alleys?
Me:  I think it’s sad that dice aren’t made from actual knuckle bones any more.

Recognize

Me:  There is a special place in hell for people who submit “trivia” for IMDB on movies they haven’t seen.
Friend:  Dunno, would they be able to recognize they were?

Gatling

Ten-Year-Old:  I have a banana Gatling gun.
Me:  Old Painless, Banana Edition.
Ten-Year-Old:  Put that on the blog.

Purchase

Ex-Wife:  These swords are both the best and the worst purchase I have ever made in my life.

Knee Thing

Ex-Wife:  Goddamn it! That was my knee thing!

Disappointed

Ex-Wife:  If you guys break the fan by sword fighting in here, I’m going to be very disappointed.

Samwise

Ten-Year-Old:  Thanks, Master Sam.
Me:  If you call him, “Master Sam,” you have to use his full name, “Samwise.”
Ten-Year-Old:  I thought his full name was “Sam Gamgee.”
Me:  “Samwise Gamgee.”  That’s his full name.
Ten-Year-Old:  Oh, okay.