March 29, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a lot of cotton.
Me: People wear a lot of clothes.


March 28, 2017

Wife: With luck, in a few years I will have significantly reduced my mammal load.


March 27, 2017

Colleague: I just grep-ed to find wherever sasquatches appeared in the legends.


March 26, 2017

Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.


March 25, 2017

First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?


March 24, 2017

Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.


March 23, 2017

Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?

Forty, over the hill!


March 22, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Me: No.
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!


March 21, 2017

Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.


March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?