March 29, 2017
Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a lot of cotton.
Me: People wear a lot of clothes.
March 28, 2017
Wife: With luck, in a few years I will have significantly reduced my mammal load.
March 27, 2017
March 26, 2017
Friend: That gives me flashbacks to my time as a gimp.
March 25, 2017
First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?
March 24, 2017
Me: I don’t think that works in cross-sexual dominance displays.
March 23, 2017
Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?
Forty, over the hill!
March 22, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!
March 21, 2017
Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.
March 20, 2017
Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?