More Robots
July 31, 2009
Five-Year-Old [robot voice]: I am a rhyming robot. I will rhyme you.
I know what the robot will do when it gets old.
I… am… a… rhyming… robot…. I… will… rhyme.
What I Dream About
July 30, 2009
Me: In my dream, I said that King Kong was really an integral equation with good special effects.
Wife: I see.
Me: The integral was supposed to be the number of bullets into the giant ape.
Morons
July 29, 2009
[Discussing the video game Rock & Roll Racing]
Brother: There are some people who believe that shocks are the most important thing in the game—that you should buy all the way up to the best shocks before buying anything else.
…
These people are morons.
Scratching My Itchy Torso With a Hair Brush
July 27, 2009
Me: This is really good. Now it needs to be combined with some method for exfoliation. Or I could imagine lying there with cucumbers over my eyes while somebody scratches me with a hair brush.
Optical Illusions
July 26, 2009
Me: Did I give her the right bowl?
Wife: I hope so.
Me: I think I did.
Five-Year-Old: I don’t know. It looks big.
Wife: It’s not big. It’s an optical illusion.
Me: I would like to have an optical illusion named after me.
Wife: Aaah!
Five-Year-Old: Named Brett?
Wife: Aaah! It’s too much! It’s just too much!
Five-Year-Old: Named Brett?
Wife: Too many jokes, too little time!
Five-Year-Old: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Potato.
Wife: There are so many! I can’t take it! Aaah! I’ll start one and then change to another, and it won’t be as funny!
Jelly
July 25, 2009
Wife: We don’t have much jelly, do we?
Me: Sure we do.
[looking in refridgerator] Orange marmalade…
Wife: You can’t put orange marmalade on a peanut butter and jelly.
Me: … apricot preserves… another orange marmalade…
Wife: You can’t put those on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: … lime marmalade… apple butter…. They certainly aren’t conventional for a peanut butter and jelly.
It was burned down.
July 24, 2009
Me: How redundant is “Emmanuel Church of our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith“?
Disproportion
July 23, 2009
Wife: I think I’m being disproportionately quoted on that. You know what that means—that I should never talk to you again, ever.
“Prevent Disabilities”
July 22, 2009
Wife: I thought that said, “Get hooked on helmets. Prevent diabetes.” That doesn’t really work.