More Robots

July 31, 2009

Five-Year-Old [robot voice]: I am a rhyming robot. I will rhyme you.
I know what the robot will do when it gets old.
I… am… a… rhyming… robot…. I… will… rhyme.

What I Dream About

July 30, 2009

Me: In my dream, I said that King Kong was really an integral equation with good special effects.
Wife: I see.
Me: The integral was supposed to be the number of bullets into the giant ape.

Morons

July 29, 2009

[Discussing the video game Rock & Roll Racing]
Brother: There are some people who believe that shocks are the most important thing in the game—that you should buy all the way up to the best shocks before buying anything else.

These people are morons.

The best shocks are Atlas Powerlifts.

Creative Control

July 28, 2009

Me: I thought when we established this blog, I said I needed to have complete creative control.
Wife: How can you have creative control over reality?! That’s de facto nonsense!

Me: This is really good. Now it needs to be combined with some method for exfoliation. Or I could imagine lying there with cucumbers over my eyes while somebody scratches me with a hair brush.

Optical Illusions

July 26, 2009

Me: Did I give her the right bowl?
Wife: I hope so.
Me: I think I did.
Five-Year-Old: I don’t know. It looks big.
Wife: It’s not big. It’s an optical illusion.
Me: I would like to have an optical illusion named after me.
Wife: Aaah!
Five-Year-Old: Named Brett?
Wife: Aaah! It’s too much! It’s just too much!
Five-Year-Old: Named Brett?
Wife: Too many jokes, too little time!
Five-Year-Old: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Potato.
Wife: There are so many! I can’t take it! Aaah! I’ll start one and then change to another, and it won’t be as funny!

Jelly

July 25, 2009

Wife: We don’t have much jelly, do we?
Me: Sure we do.
[looking in refridgerator] Orange marmalade…
Wife: You can’t put orange marmalade on a peanut butter and jelly.
Me: … apricot preserves… another orange marmalade…
Wife: You can’t put those on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: … lime marmalade… apple butter…. They certainly aren’t conventional for a peanut butter and jelly.

It was burned down.

July 24, 2009

Me: How redundant is “Emmanuel Church of our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith“?

Disproportion

July 23, 2009

Wife: I think I’m being disproportionately quoted on that. You know what that means—that I should never talk to you again, ever.

Wife: I thought that said, “Get hooked on helmets. Prevent diabetes.” That doesn’t really work.