Curare

May 31, 2016

Wife: That would be the stupidest thing I’d ever done! Not, I would send you out to buy curare, but that I would write it down!

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Boxers

May 30, 2016

Wife: So Facebook is like the boxers of the Internet.

Skydivers

May 29, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: I have a new strategy for skydivers.

Fickle

May 28, 2016

Me: It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind about how she wants her underwear folded.

What?
Wife: I’m sure you have some ideas.
Me: Yeah, okay.
Wife: Yes, women are fickle about the state of their undergarments. Bitches be crazy ’bout they panties.

Roll

May 27, 2016

Me: Why is Mom’s ship in the bathroom?
Eight-Year-Old: Because I did that. It’s just how I roll.

Microfiche

May 26, 2016

Friend: What do you think the microfiche is for?

Construction

May 25, 2016

Student: Some people take their light saber construction very seriously.

Lawn

May 24, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: If [Four-Year-Old] had a lawn, he would be telling people to get off it.

IUD

May 23, 2016

Friend: Better than an IUD getting caught in your tooth.

Benchtop

May 22, 2016

Me: [Colleague] doesn’t like the name. I don’t know. I kind of like it. What do you think of “MaRMS” as a name?

Not for a girl, for a benchtop experiment.
Wife: Okay, bye.