May 31, 2016
Wife: That would be the stupidest thing I’d ever done! Not, I would send you out to buy curare, but that I would write it down!
May 30, 2016
Wife: So Facebook is like the boxers of the Internet.
May 29, 2016
Eight-Year-Old: I have a new strategy for skydivers.
May 28, 2016
Me: It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind about how she wants her underwear folded.
Wife: I’m sure you have some ideas.
Me: Yeah, okay.
Wife: Yes, women are fickle about the state of their undergarments. Bitches be crazy ’bout they panties.
May 27, 2016
Me: Why is Mom’s ship in the bathroom?
Eight-Year-Old: Because I did that. It’s just how I roll.
May 24, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: If [Four-Year-Old] had a lawn, he would be telling people to get off it.
May 22, 2016
Me: [Colleague] doesn’t like the name. I don’t know. I kind of like it. What do you think of “MaRMS” as a name?
Not for a girl, for a benchtop experiment.
Wife: Okay, bye.