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April 28, 2017

Robot on Telephone: Hi, this is Jim Thompson. How are you today?
Me: You’re a robot.
Robot on Telephone: Noooo…. Can we continue?

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Bargle

November 4, 2016

Wife: Argle-bargle, pudding and pie.
Nine-Year-Old: Argle-bargle, pudding and pie.
Me: Argle-bargle, pudding and pie.
Nine-Year-Old: Transformers fly up in the sky.
Me: Kissed Megatron and made him cry.

Gauzy

June 11, 2016

Me: It was right out of The Stepford Wives.
Wife: Really, so it was like a room full of Marco Rubio statues with huge dangling penises and dressed in gauzy nightgowns, and it was really difficult to watch, because you knew he was about to be murdered? Was it that scene?

Proves

October 7, 2015

Voice on Phone: Hi, my name is Jonathan Anderson. How are you today?
Me: You’re a robot.
Voice on Phone:
I’m a real person. Why do you ask?
Me: I didn’t ask. I told you that you were a robot. The fact that you can’t tell the difference just proves that you are.
Voice on Phone:
Ha, ha! Do I sound that bad today? I wanted—

Killer

January 20, 2015

Wife: I don’t want to be a sexy robot. I want to be a dangerous killer robot.

Fork

October 1, 2013

Wife: Pick up the fork.
Me [robot voice]: Pick up the fork.
Pick up the fork.
I am a fork holding robot.
Pick up the fork.
Pick up the fork.
Wife: That is the worst reason to make a robot.

Press

June 8, 2013

Wife: You can’t press your own “on” button! That’s not how robots work!

Category

May 18, 2013

Me: What category should that go under? “Animals” and “Romance”?
Wife: “John Huss and Oliver Tambo.”
Me: “Robots” it is.

Kind of Food

February 5, 2013

Five-Year-Old: Are robots a kind of food?
Wife: No!
Five-Year-Old: It was a joke!

Crazed

August 11, 2012

Me: I get almost daily announcements of people subscribing to my blog, but I think they’re all robots.
Wife: Robots don’t subscribe to blogs.
Robots are crazed killing machines.