March 31, 2015

Wife: Why do we still have bowls of teeth?


March 30, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: I’ll split my face in half.

I can do that. I’m a ghost.

I would come around the corner and say, “Boo!” and the other side says “Aaah!”


March 29, 2015

Wife: Stop huffing soap.


March 28, 2015

Me: It was just an apple-grating technical glitch.
Wife: That was a carrot.


March 27, 2015

Wife: That’s my nose, not a stretch mark.


March 26, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old: He is a stuffed animal. Hobbes isn’t real.
Seven-Year-Old: Calvin isn’t real.


March 25, 2015

Me: You’re not going to like this.
Seven-Year-Old: No, I know they taste good!
Me: Have you ever had a cold hot dog?
Seven-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: Oh really? When?
Seven-Year-Old: Never!


March 24, 2015

Me: I thought that said “You,” but it was actually a skull and crossbones.

Ass Marmalade

March 23, 2015

Wife: Isn’t that, like, ass marmalade?
Me: What?
Wife: Ass marmalade. Taste it. It’s made with butt juice.

I must be almost forty today.


March 22, 2015

Colleague: I can’t live without reverse Polish notation.