March 31, 2015
Wife: Why do we still have bowls of teeth?
March 30, 2015
Eleven-Year-Old: I’ll split my face in half.
I can do that. I’m a ghost.
I would come around the corner and say, “Boo!” and the other side says “Aaah!”
March 29, 2015
Wife: Stop huffing soap.
March 28, 2015
Me: It was just an apple-grating technical glitch.
Wife: That was a carrot.
March 27, 2015
Wife: That’s my nose, not a stretch mark.
March 26, 2015
Eleven-Year-Old: He is a stuffed animal. Hobbes isn’t real.
Seven-Year-Old: Calvin isn’t real.
March 25, 2015
Me: You’re not going to like this.
Seven-Year-Old: No, I know they taste good!
Me: Have you ever had a cold hot dog?
Me: Oh really? When?
March 24, 2015
Me: I thought that said “You,” but it was actually a skull and crossbones.
March 23, 2015
Wife: Isn’t that, like, ass marmalade?
Wife: Ass marmalade. Taste it. It’s made with butt juice.
I must be almost forty today.