December 31, 2014
Me: The secret ingredient in curried egg pie is ranch dressing?
December 30, 2014
Wife: I don’t think the Easter Bunny delivers birthday presents to Jewish boys in June.
December 29, 2014
Wife: It’s just a nutrient deficiency, okay? Stop trying to fly.
December 27, 2014
Wife: If you tickle me, I will nipple pinch you. Plus I will probably do it occasionally for laughs. That sounds equitable.
Me: Equitable would that if you nipple pinch me, I get to tickle you.
Wife: I don’t think you understand how these things work. I get to nipple punch you whenever.
Me: It’s getting worse now? “Nipple punch”?
Wife: I can nipple pinch you or nupple punch you!
December 26, 2014
December 25, 2014
Wife: Don’t tickle me!
Me: We agreed I could tickle you once a month. So that’s this month.
Wife: I don’t think I ever agreed to that. It was probably like, “Don’t tickle me.”
[As me] “I think I should get to tickle you once a month.”
[As me] “Okay, that’s settled then. Once a month.”
That is not an agreement! You negotiate like dog!
December 24, 2014
Wife: Here, hit Daddy in the face.
Oh, shit! I didn’t realize he had a stick!
December 22, 2014
Wife: Why is there a dead guy in my kitchen?
Seven-Year-Old: It doesn’t matter.