December 31, 2014

Me: The secret ingredient in curried egg pie is ranch dressing?
Wife: No.


I wish.



December 30, 2014

Wife: I don’t think the Easter Bunny delivers birthday presents to Jewish boys in June.


December 29, 2014

Wife: It’s just a nutrient deficiency, okay? Stop trying to fly.


December 28, 2014

Me: I’ve given up on graphite-based personal lubricants.


December 27, 2014

Wife: If you tickle me, I will nipple pinch you. Plus I will probably do it occasionally for laughs. That sounds equitable.
Me: Equitable would that if you nipple pinch me, I get to tickle you.
Wife: I don’t think you understand how these things work. I get to nipple punch you whenever.
Me: It’s getting worse now? “Nipple punch”?
Wife: I can nipple pinch you or nupple punch you!


December 26, 2014

Wife: Do you want to go shopping with me?
Ten-Year-Old: Where are we going?
Wife: Publix and Best Buy.
Ten-Year-Old: What do we have to get?
Wife: The LEGO Movie and groceries.
Ten-Year-Old: You can get The LEGO Movie at Publix?
Wife: Yeah, and you can get groceries at Best Buy.


December 25, 2014

Wife: Don’t tickle me!
Me: We agreed I could tickle you once a month. So that’s this month.
Wife: I don’t think I ever agreed to that. It was probably like, “Don’t tickle me.”
[As me] “I think I should get to tickle you once a month.”
[As me] “Okay, that’s settled then. Once a month.”
That is not an agreement! You negotiate like dog!


December 24, 2014

Wife: Here, hit Daddy in the face.

Oh, shit! I didn’t realize he had a stick!


December 23, 2014

Me: I’m dreaming new xkcd comics, complete with alt text.


December 22, 2014

Wife: Why is there a dead guy in my kitchen?
Seven-Year-Old: It doesn’t matter.