January 21, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: What if disco isn’t dead?
What if moths chew off my head?



January 20, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: Do you think when you look in the mirror you look in you… look in your…. Do you think…. You look in the mirror…. Obviously, you look in the mirror…. Never mind.


January 19, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: I feel like dumping these on somebody.
Me: Don’t.
Wife: That was easy. It’s those crack parenting skills that really make you a valuable partner in my life.


January 18, 2016

Wife: That is not advice! That is just saying: “This is how I fart.” That is not advice!


January 17, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Birthday party! Birthday party! Jump up and down!

Happy Birthday! You’re four!


January 16, 2016

Wife: So, you are going to soak your ears in my long, long, wet, salty hair?


January 15, 2016

Wife: Is there some reason you gave me saline and then left?


January 14, 2016

Wife: The goal is to have no scent, like a ninja.


January 13, 2016

Wife: Go into her room. On her desk, the bottom of blue stuff—smell it, because I can’t figure out what the fuck it is.


January 12, 2016

Me: Line, bucket, danger.
Wife: “Line, bucket, danger”? Oh no, watch out, LOLrus!