Brake

June 20, 2013

Me: Oh, I need to change my shirt. I tore a hole in this one. I reached over to get something off the passenger seat and got the emergency brake stuck in my armpit.

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Cup

June 19, 2013

Wife: You’re supposed to be able to tell just by looking at them whether I have a C cup or a D cup.
Me: You have an MMMMMM cup.
Wife: You’d better put on a cup.

Spastic

June 18, 2013

Me: I’ve enjoyed many a wine that was labeled “spastic.”

Zit

June 17, 2013

Me: I’ve got this nasty zit!
Wife: That’s probably because you were sleeping in the bushes!
Me: I wasn’t sleeping in the bushes. I was just lying down.
Wife: I don’t think that’s a useful distinction.

Bushes

June 16, 2013

Me: I made sure nobody was watching before I laid down in the bushes.

Created

June 15, 2013

Wife: I love how we’ve created a bunch of Irish Jews.

Minotaur

June 14, 2013

Me: I keep telling you: Elmer is the minotaur! Where do you think he works?
Wife: Duh. In a glue factory.

Episode

June 13, 2013

Me: I usually have a dinner planning episode some time in the morning.
Wife: I don’t think “episode” is the best term for that.

Happy Birthday, Six-Year-Old!

Wheels

June 12, 2013

Wife: Pretty much anything on wheels is a jerk, I guess.

Policy Position

June 11, 2013

Wife: I was afraid that Mitt Romney had a policy position on tongue-kissing ears.