May 10, 2018

Wife: I’m going out to the van to get her allergy medicine.




May 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Maybe I can see the memories of my ancestors.
Wife: In your Play-Doh?


May 4, 2018

Six-Year-Old: This whipped cream looks like it has eyes.

Go on

April 21, 2018

Wife: Go on, baby. Go be weird in the shower.

Big Hug

March 18, 2018

Me: If you’re eating pizza, do you really want a smoothie?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yeah. I’ll give you a big hug and then not talk to you.

I love you so much, Fourteen-Year-Old!


February 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He gave me a genetic nose popping thingy! Mom!


February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.


January 24, 2018

Me: You are arguing about who gets to hold the cheez-its box. It does. Not. Matter.
Ten-Year-Old: If you’re going to be like that, give them to me.


January 14, 2018

Me: Don’t mention “boner pills” around [Thirteen-Year-Old].


November 11, 2017

Me: I’m sorry I ruined your deep and meaningful K-pop music with a counterpoint of the chicken dance.