In Here

Wife: Do you have to be in here when you go through your psychotic break?

Leap

Me: Does Jesus not have leap?

Color

Fourteen-Year-Old: You look like somebody who’s trying to be emo, but you have too much color.

Zone

Wife: Don’t underestimate your neck as an erogenous zone.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Thanks for that.

Snacks

Eleven-Year-Old: There’s a new vending machine for healthy snacks. It’s empty.

Grenade

Wife: You just punched me in the head with a hat!
Eleven-Year-Old: With a grenade in it.
Me: That’s not better!

Jetpack

Me: That’s just what you need in an unstable cave—a jetpack.

Punching

Wife: Why was he punching the watermelon?
Me: Apparently, that’s what one does.

Twinging

Fourteen-Year-Old: A separate light source is twinging me out.

Unicorns

Wife: Why is there a unicorn in there? That’s supposed to be your pajama drawer. It’s for pajamas, not unicorns.
Me: In fairness, I think that is my fault.