June 20, 2018

Wife: I’m glad you have enough money to afford recognizable voice actors for your dreams.


June 19, 2018

Wife: You have to pick up more portal poop.


June 18, 2018

Me: Turn off the PlayStation. And pick up that DVD case.
Six-Year-Old: It’s the case for “Blow Shock.”


June 17, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Why are you being such fu–… flipping idiots?

All His

June 16, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Dad said, “No.” That means it’s all his fart.


June 15, 2018

Former Synagogue President: It doesn’t mean we can’t consider selling an aging, inefficient building that’s sited on a “swampy hole,” as I like to say it.
Me: We prefer the term “rain garden.”


June 14, 2018

Wife: It’s a guy in mom jeans dancing. That’s just….


June 13, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I be picked up from school early?
Me: You mean earlier than the half day?

Happy birthday, mister Eleven!


June 12, 2018

Wife: It looks like Jell-O in the sky, but it’s really mind control.

Hear About

June 11, 2018

Wife: So, you don’t want to hear about the cannibal?