July 23, 2014

Me: Take my transdimensional S and M mask.


July 22, 2014

Me: So, you’re not familiar with Jean Shepherd’s oeuvre.


How do you pronounce that?
Wife: “Work.”


July 21, 2014

Me: If you’re defacing a sign in a way that enhances the cultural cachet of the sign, that’s not white trash.


July 20, 2014

Me: Oh, that’s an Eagle Premier. You don’t see those around much any more. Although I’m not sure this counts as seeing it, given that it doesn’t have plates or tires.
Wife: Yep, ’cause those make it invisible.


July 19, 2014

Wife: You’ve been more Irish than Jewish for a long time now, but you haven’t got a bit of Irish in you.


July 18, 2014

Wife: I can’t tell you how much I needed a stupid beard story.


July 17, 2014

Wife: You had food stuck in your beard for ten minutes and didn’t notice?
Me: It wasn’t food.
Wife: What was it?
Me: Snot.


July 16, 2014

Me: Except for the SPURKEY, it’s all vegetarian.


July 15, 2014

Me: In my dream, I had to hit people with the plates, because they were trying to hurt you.
Ten-Year-Old: Ha ha!

Was I one of them?
Me: No.
Ten-Year-Old: Good?


July 14, 2014

Wife: She looks like ten pounds of bologna crammed into a SPAM can.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 147 other followers