Shoved

October 30, 2014

Me: I just had a plastic octopus arm shoved up my nose.

Pleasure

October 29, 2014

Me: A penis has a business end, and pleasure. But they’re both at the same end.

Absolutely

October 28, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: Does bread really turn into Jesus when I eat it?
Me: Absolutely not.
Seven-Year-Old: Because every time I eat toast, I feel funny.

Journalism

October 27, 2014

Me: The journalism school does not have an apartment they use for killing people.

Beat

October 26, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: I’m dressed better for not getting beat up.

Sticking

October 25, 2014

Wife: Ew! Stop sticking brains in my ear!

Congeal

October 24, 2014

Wife: My blood butter is going to congeal.

Beans

October 23, 2014

Wife: He’s going to wake up one morning and be like, [sniffing noises]… “Theres’s beans somewhere inside a chair! What have you done, woman?”

Chiropractery

October 22, 2014

Me: I keep our marriage fresh.
Wife: By doing self chiropractery on yourself with a stool in the kitchen?

Crooked

October 21, 2014

Wife: What is that?
Ten-Year-Old: A shawl.
Me: Is it supposed to be crooked like that?
Wife: Isn’t that actually a skirt?

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