October 23, 2014
Wife: He’s going to wake up one morning and be like, [sniffing noises]… “Theres’s beans somewhere inside a chair! What have you done, woman?”
October 22, 2014
Me: I keep our marriage fresh.
Wife: By doing self chiropractery on yourself with a stool in the kitchen?
October 21, 2014
Wife: What is that?
Ten-Year-Old: A shawl.
Me: Is it supposed to be crooked like that?
Wife: Isn’t that actually a skirt?
October 20, 2014
Me: Would you go to a restaurant called “The Shack Bistro”?
Wife: Only if it was actually run by Shaq, not just in a shack.
October 19, 2014
Me: You don’t want to avoid dying just so I wouldn’t have a stupid nickname.
October 18, 2014
Me: Would you like some Damascus rose Badger antioxidant body oil?
Wife: No thanks, I’m not hungry?
October 17, 2014
Me: You have muscular arms, are a wonderful wife, and wonderful mother.
October 16, 2014
Me: You don’t need to eat a ferret to have good sex, either.
October 14, 2014
Wife: There’s a question for the Rabbi: “If the cantor goes chasing after a vampire, are we supposed to keep singing?”