November 24, 2014

Me: Were pineapple titbits smaller back when?
Wife: Please stop saying that.
Me: “Titbit” is actually older.
Wife: You’re saying that on purpose, just so you can say “tit.”
Me: I can say “tit” any time I want. It’s too bad we don’t have birds called “tits” in America.
Wife: So you can’t say it whenever you want.


November 23, 2014

Wife: I’m trying to have a conversation with you about your schedule tonight, and you’re stabbing me in the face with fake devil horns.


November 22, 2014

Me: I once co-wrote and starred in a film called “Dark Lord Goes Hitchhiking.” Make of that what you will.


November 21, 2014

Me: I would suggest either fruited ham balls or chicken fantasia.


November 20, 2014

Wife: Most of my objections to foods have nothing to do with Joe Don Baker, if any.


November 19, 2014

Me: There’s some schmutz on the blanket.
Ten-Year-Old: You’re just saying that to distract him.
Me: Yeah, but there’s nothing else I can do. I just like saying “schmutz,” because it sounds funny. Schmutz!



November 18, 2014

Me: If his sheet is accurate, [Two-Year-Old] learned about the Rumble in the Jungle today.


November 17, 2014

Me: I love having my marriage compared with the “disaster cycle.”


November 16, 2014

Me: It’s some kind of ornamental cabbage that was allowed to shoot.
Wife and Ten-Year-Old [in unison]: Bang!


November 15, 2014

Wife: Aardvark in a gimp suit. I never thought of that before!


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