March 5, 2014
Me: It’s okay to play with your radio knobs, so long as it doesn’t stimulate lactation.
March 4, 2014
Wife: Dude, I am not making a melon full of cheese dip for myself.
March 3, 2014
Six-Year-Old: Eating vegetables drains my energy!
Wife: No, the vegetables give you energy.
Nine-Year-Old: The vegetables raise your energy. Unless it’s R-A-Z-E, “raze.”
March 2, 2014
Me: Everyone who ever died on a Ferris wheel accident is rising up from the grave to exact their revenge.
March 1, 2014
Wife: Pigs do not poop sausage!
February 28, 2014
[A phone rings.]
Friend: Oh, shit! That’s my ass!
February 27, 2014
Wife: You are fuzzy and cute, but nobody wants to eat you.
Me: Are you talking to the caterpillar or the Doritos?
February 26, 2014
Friend: And since it’s a mime, you wouldn’t hear him coming.
Wife: Aargh! Gah!