Commando

November 27, 2014

Ten-Year-Old’s Friend: I’m going barefoot! Barefoot! Commando a foot.

Concierge

November 25, 2014

Wife: Will you quit moving around?
Me: Do you want more blankets?
Wife: You’re like the concierge from hell.

Tits

November 24, 2014

Me: Were pineapple titbits smaller back when?
Wife: Please stop saying that.
Me: “Titbit” is actually older.
Wife: You’re saying that on purpose, just so you can say “tit.”
Me: I can say “tit” any time I want. It’s too bad we don’t have birds called “tits” in America.
Wife: So you can’t say it whenever you want.

Horns

November 23, 2014

Wife: I’m trying to have a conversation with you about your schedule tonight, and you’re stabbing me in the face with fake devil horns.

Hitchhiking

November 22, 2014

Me: I once co-wrote and starred in a film called “Dark Lord Goes Hitchhiking.” Make of that what you will.

Fruited

November 21, 2014

Me: I would suggest either fruited ham balls or chicken fantasia.

Objections

November 20, 2014

Wife: Most of my objections to foods have nothing to do with Joe Don Baker, if any.

Schmutz

November 19, 2014

Me: There’s some schmutz on the blanket.
Ten-Year-Old: You’re just saying that to distract him.
Me: Yeah, but there’s nothing else I can do. I just like saying “schmutz,” because it sounds funny. Schmutz!

Schmutz!

Rumble

November 18, 2014

Me: If his sheet is accurate, [Two-Year-Old] learned about the Rumble in the Jungle today.

Compared

November 17, 2014

Me: I love having my marriage compared with the “disaster cycle.”

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