October 23, 2014

Wife: He’s going to wake up one morning and be like, [sniffing noises]… “Theres’s beans somewhere inside a chair! What have you done, woman?”


October 22, 2014

Me: I keep our marriage fresh.
Wife: By doing self chiropractery on yourself with a stool in the kitchen?


October 21, 2014

Wife: What is that?
Ten-Year-Old: A shawl.
Me: Is it supposed to be crooked like that?
Wife: Isn’t that actually a skirt?


October 20, 2014

Me:  Would you go to a restaurant called “The Shack Bistro”?
Wife: Only if it was actually run by Shaq, not just in a shack.


October 19, 2014

Me:  You don’t want to avoid dying just so I wouldn’t have a stupid nickname.


October 18, 2014

Me:  Would you like some Damascus rose Badger antioxidant body oil?
Wife:  No thanks, I’m not hungry?


October 17, 2014

Me:  You have muscular arms, are a wonderful wife, and wonderful mother.


October 16, 2014

Me:  You don’t need to eat a ferret to have good sex, either.


October 15, 2014

Me: High five for the Mathnet reference.


October 14, 2014

Wife: There’s a question for the Rabbi: “If the cantor goes chasing after a vampire, are we supposed to keep singing?”


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