Run

August 19, 2014

Seven-Year-Old: Can I come along?
Wife: For a run?
Seven-Year-Old: Yes.
Wife: It’s going to be a mile and a half, and you have to actually run.
Seven-Year-Old: Can I play outside?

Job

August 18, 2014

Wife: If you use tenure farts to get me a job, I’m going to be annoyed.

Flipper-y

August 17, 2014

Wife: Why are you being seal-like?
Me: Oh, sorry.
Wife: I mean, you’re not a seal, but you do seem all flipper-y.

Aaah! Blog all over the bed!

Tenure

August 16, 2014

Me: I’m Professor Husband! I deal with academic politics!
Wife: In your underwear?
Me: Yes!
Wife: With tenure farts?
Me: Yes, I use tenure farts.

Defense

August 15, 2014

Me: Let me be your thesis defense svengali.

White

August 14, 2014

Me: I guess you keep doing it until you run out of egg white.

Call

August 13, 2014

Wife: I call: “No balls! I don’t need to know!”

Strip

August 12, 2014

Me: I need to strip down to my underwear, so I can remember who I am.

Hoard

August 11, 2014

Me: I know where every bit of meat in my hoard is.
Wife: You have a meat hoard?

Exactly

August 10, 2014

Wife: It’s not exactly like barf.

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