December 19, 2014

Me: They don’t get a lot of family tourism at Super Freaky Sex Park.


December 18, 2014

Me: I’m getting better.
Wife: In what sense? The beating is making your flesh more tender, so you’re tastier when the goblins kill and eat you?


December 17, 2014

Wife: I ate too much today.
Me: What all did you eat?
Wife: I had, like, three bowls of bumblebee stew.
Me: Well, you didn’t fill up on dinner.
Wife: That’s because dinner was fugly.


December 16, 2014

Me: Snuggle lunge!


December 15, 2014

Wife: So you’re just trying to get yourself abducted to a black site. That’s not a very good way to avoid talking about sex.


December 14, 2014

Wife: I keep setting the bar so low, so you’re supposed to get over it. But instead you end up licking it.


December 13, 2014

Wife: You have not got the skills for dealing with with the unknown. You go up to the unknown and say, “Hi, Unknown. I’d like to fuck you… with this spoon!”


December 12, 2014

Wife: Just because you don’t want to be the kind of person Netflix understands you are, isn’t Netflix’s fault.


December 11, 2014

Wife: Pink is a festive party color. At least that’s what the Corningware representatives said in nineteen fifty.
Me: What?
Wife: That’s what the Corningware representatives—
Me: Oh, I thought you said, “horny wear.”
Wife: Why would I say that?!?


December 10, 2014

Wife: Maybe this won’t be so bad.

Oh, wait.


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