Mask

July 23, 2014

Me: Take my transdimensional S and M mask.

Oeuvre

July 22, 2014

Me: So, you’re not familiar with Jean Shepherd’s oeuvre.

Oo-vrah.

How do you pronounce that?
Wife: “Work.”

Cachet

July 21, 2014

Me: If you’re defacing a sign in a way that enhances the cultural cachet of the sign, that’s not white trash.

Premier

July 20, 2014

Me: Oh, that’s an Eagle Premier. You don’t see those around much any more. Although I’m not sure this counts as seeing it, given that it doesn’t have plates or tires.
Wife: Yep, ’cause those make it invisible.

Haven’t

July 19, 2014

Wife: You’ve been more Irish than Jewish for a long time now, but you haven’t got a bit of Irish in you.

Beard

July 18, 2014

Wife: I can’t tell you how much I needed a stupid beard story.

Snot

July 17, 2014

Wife: You had food stuck in your beard for ten minutes and didn’t notice?
Me: It wasn’t food.
Wife: What was it?
Me: Snot.

Vegetarian

July 16, 2014

Me: Except for the SPURKEY, it’s all vegetarian.

Plates

July 15, 2014

Me: In my dream, I had to hit people with the plates, because they were trying to hurt you.
Ten-Year-Old: Ha ha!

Was I one of them?
Me: No.
Ten-Year-Old: Good?

Bologna

July 14, 2014

Wife: She looks like ten pounds of bologna crammed into a SPAM can.

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