Cow

Me: Do you want tofu cream cheese?
Four-Year-Old: No! I’ve got the real cream cheese! Cow cream cheese!

Tuxedo

Me [looking at an image online]: Wow, it’s an actual tuxedo cheesecake tuxedo.
Wife: How does that work?
Me: Well, the woman next to it is wearing a dress made of bacon, so….

Chainsaw

Me: Shirley and Peter are coming around with a chainsaw!
Wife: Huh!?!?

Night

Seven-Year-Old: Dad! I forgot! I have school in the middle of the night!

Witch Hazel

Me: I’m going to Google, “Does witch hazel help with itching?“
Wife: Oh, God. I need to get you a separate Internet.

Underwear, please!

Wife: Please put your underwear on first.
Four-Year-Old: No, socks!
Wife: Underwear, please!
Four-Year-Old: But you put your socks on first!
Wife: No, I don’t.
Me: Actually, Mommy usually puts her shirt on first.
Wife: Oh, thanks.
Seven-Year-Old: Most people do, actually.

Meth

Wife: Go on. Have fun.
Me: We will.
Wife: Don’t get killed.
Me: We won’t.
Wife: Don’t get yourself arrested.
Me: We won’t
Wife: Don’t fall into any meth pits.
Me: I can’t promise that.

Trash

Friend: Get your lips off of that, and put it in the trash!

Cuppy

Seven-Year-Old: I’m going to put it in the cup holder.
[To cup holder] Good cup holder. Be nice to cuppy.
…
But don’t squeeze the puppy—I mean, cuppy.

Butter

Four-Year-Old: I want a spoon.
Me: Here it is. Spoon!
Four-Year-Old: And a knife!
Me: You don’t need a knife for your ice cream.
Four-Year-Old: I don’t need it for the ice cream. I need it for the butter.
Me: There will be no butter on your ice cream!