September 14, 2014

Wife: Pointillism is complicated. This is Jackson Pollock on meth.


September 13, 2014

Wife: Take me out to a woodchuck restaurant, and I’ll do you one better.


September 12, 2014

Wife: I have nine more months to have half of my life spent with you, so don’t fuck that up now.


September 11, 2014

Me: I would like a castle that can change into an airplane.
Ten-Year-Old: Give me fifty bucks.


September 10, 2014

Me: I can’t see your face. Cthulhu’s foot is in the way.


September 9, 2014

Wife: Where are you going to find a picture of a silly-looking prostitute who is somewhat fat?
Me: Hmmm.
Wife: Fifi le Beefy.


September 8, 2014

Student: Whoever has been leaving the door open for us is a saint.
Me: A saint, eh? Alright, now let’s hear from the advocatus diaboli!

Happy Birthday, Wife!


September 7, 2014

Me: It would be hot if you ate a whole lemon.


September 6, 2014

Wife: Make good decisions.

So you won’t have to be hugged as much.

By a bear in a sweater.


September 5, 2014

Me: I need a more secure root password for my butt.
Wife: See, now you’re getting it.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 162 other followers