It

February 11, 2017

Wife: There’s something on your face.

Oh, it’s just water.

It looked like weird cheese.

Office

February 10, 2017

Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?

Internally

February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.

Taco

February 8, 2017

Me: Oh, we’re out of taco spice.

And, uh, we have a lot of taco-flavored rice.

Void

February 7, 2017

Wife: Sometimes you stare into the void, and it laughs at you.

Anybody’s

February 6, 2017

Wife: That sound should never come out of anybody’s butt.

Vegetables

February 5, 2017

Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.

Rubbing

February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?

Informed

February 3, 2017

Wife: The dog doesn’t really know about informed consent.

Burlap

February 2, 2017

Me: There’s nothing gay about dressing another man in a burlap sack.