March 17, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!
March 16, 2017
Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.
March 15, 2017
Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.
March 14, 2017
Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”
It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.
March 13, 2017
Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!
March 12, 2017
Wife: So how many people do you think just have contact lenses floating around inside their skulls?
March 11, 2017
Me: I didn’t think Vader was very scientific.
March 10, 2017
Twelve-Year-Old: It’s a warehouse.
Wife: So it turns into a house on the full moon?
March 9, 2017
Wife: Ice on the lines.
Wife: Ice on the lines–power outage.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Twelve-Year-Old: Ice on the toes–frostbite.
March 8, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I’m on the baconator.