On Fire

May 15, 2017

Me: Why is his shadow on fire?

Gratuitous

May 14, 2017

Me: What was that?
Wife: It was gratuitous wood.

Killing

May 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: You’re supposed to be on my team!
Five-Year-Old: You keep killing your team!

Gallium

May 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I need gallium, a spoon mold, and some tea.

World

May 11, 2017

Wife: Welcome to the crazy world of your uterus.

Geese

May 10, 2017

Me [talking in my sleep]: [Wife], we have geese in our kitchen. Don’t you care about this?

Skulls

May 9, 2017

Wife: If you see a guy walking down the street with no shirt on, wearing gloves with pirate skulls, and carrying a gun, you run.

Addicted

May 8, 2017

Me: So what kinds of drugs were in the batter?
Wife: Opioids. What else am I addicted to?
Me: Mead?

Geriatric

May 7, 2017

Wife: Did you just say, “geriatric popsicles”?

Ages

May 6, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: There were no cannons in the Roman ages. There was just magic.