Genetic

February 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He gave me a genetic nose popping thingy! Mom!

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Leaks

February 7, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Mom!
Wife: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: He’s giving me forehead leaks!

Tank

February 6, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Did you hear that?
Me: No.
Six-Year-Old: Fairy tale tank!

Window

February 5, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m cleaning my window. I have to clean my window, Dad. It has slime on it.

Attack

February 4, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I have a surprise.
Me: What?
Six-Year-Old: Piranha attack!

Bavarian

February 3, 2018

Me: Watching that video before bed, I went into a dream with the Addams Family talking to me in Bavarian.

Jumping

February 2, 2018

Wife: Do you think jumping on the bed is something D.J.’s do?

Comfortable

February 1, 2018

Wife: Get your foot out of my pants. It’s not comfortable.
Six-Year-Old: Oops, I forgot.

Loaded

January 31, 2018

Me: [Five-Year-Old], do you want to go to Five Guys?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, Five Guys! I’m going to FIve Guys!

Is this loaded?

Raped

January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.