Jeans

June 14, 2018

Wife: It’s a guy in mom jeans dancing. That’s just….

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Earlier

June 13, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I be picked up from school early?
Me: You mean earlier than the half day?

Happy birthday, mister Eleven!

Control

June 12, 2018

Wife: It looks like Jell-O in the sky, but it’s really mind control.

Hear About

June 11, 2018

Wife: So, you don’t want to hear about the cannibal?

Sidewalk

June 10, 2018

Synagogue President: Just like a hot dime on an Alabama sidewalk, I invite [Synagogue Board Member] to give his finance chair report.

Ears

June 9, 2018

Me: He’s got meat in his ears.

Lettuce

June 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old’s Friend: I’m scared of lettuce.

Cannibal

June 7, 2018

Wife: He’s not cannibal crazy.

Squirting

June 6, 2018

Six-Year-Old: How would penises attack? By squirting their pee?

Blocks

June 5, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: I can’t read his blocks.