March 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m Bookbeard!


March 16, 2017

Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.


March 15, 2017

Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.


March 14, 2017

Me: I think for today, you should have that, I just ran a 5K race. My hair’s a little unkempt, because I just ran a 5K race, and I’m awesome, look.
I’m going to go gel my hair. What I heard was: “You look unkempt.”

It’s my brother’s birthday today. We have so many birthdays in the middle of March.


March 13, 2017

Wife: I just want to scratch it out right out, but it’s my eye, and I can’t do that!


March 12, 2017

Wife: So how many people do you think just have contact lenses floating around inside their skulls?


March 11, 2017

Me: I didn’t think Vader was very scientific.


March 10, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: It’s a warehouse.
Wife: So it turns into a house on the full moon?


March 9, 2017

Wife: Ice on the lines.
Me: Huh?
Wife: Ice on the lines–power outage.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Twelve-Year-Old: Ice on the toes–frostbite.


March 8, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m on the baconator.