Cliff

December 5, 2018

Wife: I’m gonna go honk off a cliff, y’all!

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Scotty

December 4, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Butter me up, Scotty!
Wife: “Butter me up, Scotty!”? That’s, like, the worst Star Trek slashfic ever.

So Many Things

December 3, 2018

Wife: I could say so many things and don’t. You’re welcome.

Bloth

December 2, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Bloth, poor Bloth, poor Bloth.

Giant Taco

December 1, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The giant taco on top of me is going to explode, and then we’ll fly to Chicago.

Dispenser

November 30, 2018

Me: This men’s room has the worst toilet paper dispenser in the western world.

Meanie

November 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t think even a stronger angel could kill him. Meanie!

Desensitized

November 28, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Have I been desensitized? Man, that’s sad.

Out of the Bag

November 27, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The cat’s out of the bag, but the dog is in the car.

Rivers

November 26, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Rivers of hair.