Tearing.

May 10, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: I feel like a wolf just tearing apart a rat.

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Thumbs

May 9, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: I found an avocado.
Me: He’s going to be training it to have thumbs.

Kiting

May 8, 2019

Me: “Slime kiting”—that sounds like a sport.
Friend: It sounds like a dangerous sport.

Jaw

May 7, 2019

Friend: Her jaw is closed like a crocodile’s, but she’s still talking.

McCarthy

May 6, 2019

Me: And that is why you should not walk around the house with no pants.
Wife: Because McCarthy might get her?!

Burn

May 5, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: You have to burn them in the butt.

Well

May 4, 2019

Friend: I love the well, and the well loves you.

Sick

May 3, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: These crackers are so good that people other than just me ate these, …
Me: Yeah, they’re really good.
Seven-Year-Old: … even though I was the only one with the sick of barf.

May 2, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: My budget is a sideways eight.

Peeve

May 1, 2019

Me: I have one nonnegotiable linguistic peeve: Don’t quote in Latin things that were originally in Greek!