February 11, 2017
Wife: There’s something on your face.
Oh, it’s just water.
It looked like weird cheese.
February 10, 2017
Me: Are you aware if this person was doing anything else weird with anyone else around the office?
February 8, 2017
Me: Oh, we’re out of taco spice.
And, uh, we have a lot of taco-flavored rice.
February 7, 2017
Wife: Sometimes you stare into the void, and it laughs at you.
February 6, 2017
Wife: That sound should never come out of anybody’s butt.
February 5, 2017
Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.
February 4, 2017
Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?
February 3, 2017
Wife: The dog doesn’t really know about informed consent.
February 2, 2017
Me: There’s nothing gay about dressing another man in a burlap sack.