Profile

November 20, 2013

Brother [posing for a picture with my kids]: Can you hurry up? I need this for my OkCupid profile.

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Swimming

November 19, 2013

Six-Year-Old: The bunny is swimming in your beer.

Chandelier

November 18, 2013

Six-Year-Old: He’s on the chandelier.
Brother: I thought he broke the chandelier.
Six-Year-Old: No, he put it back up.
Brother: That is one resourceful tiny magic bunny.

Cheesecake

November 17, 2013

Brother: Oh, I guess that cheesecake didn’t need me. I guess cheesecake rarely does.

Dollar

November 16, 2013

Six-Year-Old: I didn’t get a dollar.
Me: Well, if you didn’t get a dollar, I suggest you don’t put it in your pocket, so you do lose it.

Table

November 15, 2013

Six-Year-Old: I’m a table bunny.
Brother: He’s a table bunny. Is that okay?
Me: No.

Fielded

November 14, 2013

Six-Year-Old: At least I’m force fielded by the baby.

Wiping

November 13, 2013

Wife: Why are you baby wiping yourself on Fifth Avenue?

Sure

November 12, 2013

Me: Do you need a spanking?
Nine-Year-Old [very quietly]: Sh-u…
Me: Was that “sure” or “shut up”?
Nine-Year-Old: I don’t think I know the difference.

Lifelong

November 11, 2013

Wife: He’s going to have a lifelong aversion to donating clothes, and he doesn’t even know why!