Hilarious

Wife: I want to see you picking up that pen every time I say something! I’m hilarious!
Six-Year-Old: No, you’re not.
Wife: Fight the patriarchy!
Wait, why not?

Van

Wife: Hey fool! That was my van!
Me: What?
Wife: I’m just thinking of the A-Team. I have no idea why.

Papal

Wife: We almost got buzzed by a cardinal.
[I reach for paper to write that down.]
Wife: No!
Me: “We almost got buzzed by a cardinal.”
Wife: Not the papal kind! An actual bird!
Me: Now I have to write it down.

Corn

Me: Cute little corn.
Wife: Wow, you’re weird.

Stiff-Necked

Me: Ow.
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: My neck is kind of stiff.
Wife: So what’s your problem?
Me: My neck is kind of stiff.
Wife: What’s bothering you? You’ve been a stiff-necked fool for thirty-three years, and it never bothered you!

Pecan Pizza

Me: I’m not very hungry.
Six-Year-Old: What?
Me: I’m not very hungry.
Wife: Maybe it was that pecan pizza at lunch.
Six-Year-Old: Pecan pizza?
Me: Deep-dish pecan vodka pizza.

Dime

Me: Honey, it’s time to get up. You’ve got a dime stuck to you.

Flap

Six-Year-Old: Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Wife: Stop that! If I wanted a bunch of screeching, I’d be tickling a kookaburra.
Me: Are birds ticklish?
Six-Year-Old: Yes, they are ticklish, under the wing. ‘Cause I’m a bird.
…
FLAP!

Ingsoc

Six-Year-Old: [as Two-Year-Old is running to jump on us]: Look out!
Wife: Is he big brother?
Two-Year-Old: No, I’m Daddy.
Me: Whew, that’s better than Big Brother.
Wife: You’re “big brother,” so watch it.
Me: Ingsoc.
…
Was that supposed to be a joke? “So watch it”?
Wife: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A joke? No.

Marmalade

Me: No! Don’t lie down! You have lime marmalade in your hair!